Teachers demand “as little as possible” contact with children

by philapilus
English: Fraser Valley Elementary School classroom

Those Who Can, Hide

The National Union of Teachers passed a motion yesterday calling for a strict limit of 15 minutes on the amount of time their members have to spend teaching per day.

NUT Spokesperson Wendy Nailinthehead said “You know how annoying your kids are, and how secretly you’re really glad to drop them off at school in the morning so you can go and get paid to gossip, email your friends, and play Freecell?

“Well we don’t like them anymore than you do – less, if anything, because we can’t get away with smacking them round the head when they’re annoying, or even swearing at them.

“But not only do we have to spend our days looking after your horrible spawn, we have to look after everyone else’s too! So, bottom line; we reckon we shouldn’t have to do it for more than quarter of an hour a day. OK?”

The NUT’s proposal is that all teachers should only have to teach from 9AM until 9:15AM, after which they will then barricade themselves in the staff-room, play Freecell and drink lots of coffee, like everyone else in the country.

The pupils, meanwhile, will spend the rest of the day in ‘unstructured play’. This will involve every child being released into the playground with two strips of sticking plaster and a baseball bat, and left to fend for itself until 3PM.

Dick Splash, a spokesperson for the Department of Education, said “This is basically fine with me, as long as we only have to pay them for that fifteen minutes. Frankly we were going to have to slash their salaries by 90% anyway, so this works out quite well.”

Unemployed father of two, Tim Twanks, said “My kids are going to get taught for fifteen minutes a day? Is that more or less than they do now? To be honest I just drop them at the gate, breathe a sigh of relief, and go home and hide in the garage. I haven’t told my wife I lost my job yet, you see, in case she makes me spend more time with the little fuckers.”



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