Archive for April, 2013

April 30, 2013

Bees’ intimidation campaign too much for EU

by philapilus
English: European honey bees (Apis mellifera) ...

“Do azzzz we zzzzay or elzzzze…”

The European Commission has agreed to ban the use of neonicotinoid pesticides, after a brutal campaign of scare-tactics targeting EU officials and farmers.

The pesticides, which are harmful to bees, caused outrage in hives across Europe, outrage which spilled over into acts of violence and threatening behaviour.

One agricultural expert, who asked to remain anonymous, described the

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April 29, 2013

Conservative ‘Holy Relics’ to go on sale

by philapilus
Andrew Mitchell meets Michelle Bachelet, head ...

If he shakes your hand, don’t wash it, because the holiness that rubs off on you protects from scrofula and herpes.

Chairman of the Conservative Party, Grant Shapps, has unveiled a new Tory plan to auction off sacred obects associated with senior party figures.

Beginning with the bike belonging to Andrew Mitchell, which was at the centre of the ‘Plebgate’ row, key items are to be sold via Ebay, to spread the holy power of Conservatism throughout Britain.

Shapps said yesterday “Buying these miraculous objects is

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April 24, 2013

News Briefs: Evangelicals ‘confused and angry’ over HIV stagnation

by philapilus
English: A pair of white briefs.

Briefs, see? So sharp we might cut ourselves on our own elastic

Evangelical and millenarian churches have today expressed growing frustration and bewilderment, at the news that HIV is gradually being contained.

Many believers convinced that the virus is God’s righteous judgement on sinners were said to be ‘Shocked and riddled with doubt’, after a campaign by the Department of Health suggested the spread of HIV could be halted within as little as one generation.

Evangelical pastor, Reverend Willy Stroker, said today “I was convinced that what with the UK Parliament being full of fag-lovers who think bumbandits are basically fine, God would crush most of the country with a brilliant HIV plague.

“Obviously, however, God seems to have let us down on this one. If you ask me He is being a bit too compassionate. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t dream of casting aspersions on His Holy limitless wisdom, and I’m all for endless love and forgiveness.

“But gays deserve to suffer on earth and rot in hell, and that’s an end of it.”

April 24, 2013

Suarez to face severe punishment. Or not.

by philapilus
English: Luis Suarez made by Paul Blank of www...

“He tasted like chicken”

Luis Suarez, Liverpool striker, will today be dealt extremely harsh and punitive measures by the FA, after biting Chelsea’s Branislav Ivanovic. Or he might be told not to kick a ball about for a little while.

The renowned international star – whose every move is watched around the world by Liverpool’s legion of fans, which includes impressionable children – bit the Chelsea defender during a game on Sunday.

In a statement later, Suarez apologized for his behaviour and said

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April 24, 2013

Bastards who ran the 2013 London Marathon, by Jan Moir

by philapilus
The 2011 London Marathon mass race passing thr...

Good works? Rubbish! I’ve done more for this country sitting at my keyboard than any of these selfish frauds.

In an article syndicated from the Daily Mail, TMB is proud to present the ever-insightful and carefully balanced views of columnist Jan Moir:

Is it just me, or was everyone running the London Marathon a completely self-obsessed, self-serving parody of a human being?

Thank you, dear reader, I knew I couldn’t be the only one!

Weren’t they awful? Those of us who aren’t self-serving vacuous parasites on the flesh of our

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April 23, 2013

George Osborne’s Diary

by philapilus
George Osborne 0437bm

If I hold this in front of me, no one will see the stain

April 23rd

Got up this morning urgently needing a tinkle. Barely made it to the loo in time. Bed was dry today though, so that was a good start. Washed hands thoroughly.

What a week it’s been! Dear Margaret’s funeral of course, what a sad day for Britain and the world. Bit of a problem though, desperately needed a wee halfway through. Of course, you can’t get out when you’re in the middle of a pew!  

Had to sit there squeezing the

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April 22, 2013

“Move to UK? Um…thanks, but no thanks” say migrants

by philapilus


Hours of Delay

Actually there are huge queues of foreign nationals massing in British airports. But only because they’re trying to get out of the bloody country before it becomes even more of a shithole

Patriotic sentiment up and down the country has been wounded and incensed this morning, by news that the mass wave of immigrants expected to come and take everyone’s jobs now seems unlikely to materialise.

BBC Newsnight polls showed that, contrary to the warnings printed in big capital letters in every issue of the Daily Mail for the last few years, hordes of Romanians and Bulgarians “Are not about to descend on the country like a swarm of locusts.”

The polls suggest that people in Romania and Bulgaria would rather go to Italy, Germany, or even North Korea and Papua New Guinea, rather than work in the UK.

Newsnight researchers say

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April 19, 2013

Drug company “Might not be completely altruistic after all”

by philapilus
Pill box

Made from love. And potentially harmful chemicals.

The news that GlaxoSmithKline has been accused of ‘market abuse’ by the Office of Fair Trading, has sent ripples of shock through the commercial scientific sector this morning.

Allegations made against the pharmaceutical titan claim that GSK paid rivals to delay releases of copycat drugs, to maintain the market position of its anti-depressant Seroxat.

But in a strongly worded rebuttal, the company insists that it has never tried to make money at all out of

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April 18, 2013

Bored surgeons demand TV during operations

by philapilus
Physicians perform laparoscopic stomach surger...

The team take a break to watch ‘Alien’

A new scheme is being trialled at Peterborough City Hospital, to deal with the problem of surgeons getting increasingly fed up of the whole cutting-people-open thing.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, Head of Surgery, said “Although the human body is indeed a truly marvellous thing, there’s only so many times you can hack out an ingrowing toenail, or lop off someone’s piles, before you’re bored to distraction.

“Increasingly my surgeons are

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April 16, 2013

Big Ben to go on strike during Thatcher Funeral

by philapilus
English: The Big Ben, London, view from across...

“I’m actually now considering ringing as loud and hard as I can throughout the whole fucking thing.”

It has been announced this morning that Big Ben will remain silent throughout Margaret Thatcher’s funeral tomorrow – but not for the reasons which had been previously stated.

John Bercow had told MPs that the world-famous bell in the Palace of Westminster’s clocktower, and the Great Clock itself, would both be silenced as a mark of respect for the former prime minister.

But the clock and bell made a joint statement, shortly after reading Bercow’s comments, saying “We strongly oppose the attempts of pernicious forces in Westminster to silence the real motivations behind our aniticipated silence tomorrow. We can not remain silent over the silencing of our intended silence.

“We wish it to 

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