BoJo mauled by Eddie Mair

by philapilus
Boris Johnson

Surgeons say they may not be able to restore Johnson’s broken face to its former, rugged handsomeness

Mayor of London Boris Johnson is understood to be fighting for his life after being savagely assaulted by the BBC’s Eddie Mair yesterday.

Mair was drafted in to interview the charismatic politician, due to the continued absence of a recuperating Andrew Marr.

“He seemed a good choice,” said a BBC senior executive, “no one really knows much about him at the corporation, but he’s always been quiet, kept himself to himself, and, more importantly, his name is spelled very similarly to Marr’s. We thought he could do a spot of filling in, you know, no problems.”

But viewers were shocked as, instead of welcoming Johnson to the show, Mair hissed “I am going to eat your skin, fat boy!”, then pounced upon the mayor, knocking him to the ground.

What followed was sheer feral savagery, broadcast unwittingly to an appalled nation.

“For almost half a minute, Mair laid into Boris, first with a metal bar, then a broken bottle, and finally with his teeth,” said a shaken cameraman, “it took seven of us to pull him off. I’ve never seen such violence, such apoplectic berserker rage.”

Johnson was rushed to hospital with multiple fractures, smashed bones, lacerations, and what the receiving doctor called “The worst case of dishevelled hair I have ever seen”.

Eddie Mair was immediately taken into custody, and transferred to secure solitary confinement for psychiatric observation. As he left BBC premises he was heard repeatedly muttering “His hair! His hair! His fucking yellow moppish hair…!”

Conservative spokesman, Adrian Spoke, said “This is just yet another example of the ingrained prejudice of ‘liberal’ broadcasters. Would this have happened to Ed Miliband? No! Just because poor Boris is a tory, he has been beaten within an inch of his life. I mean, Boris Johnson for god’s sake; he’s utterly blameless, you know?

“What? Well, yes, he did lie to his party leader about having an affair… Yes I suppose he did make up a quote for an article in the Times.  And, well, yeah it’s not exactly untrue that he offered to assist an unscrupulous friend in tracking down and beating-up a journalist. But that is absolutely no reason publically to hold him to account for those things! We’ve all done it haven’t we!

“Um, haven’t we?”

 

 

 

 

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