Archbishop spells out radical new message on homosexuality row

by philapilus
Justin Welby to be confirmed as Archbishop of ...

Hands up if you still can’t decide…

The newly enthroned Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, announced today that he would bring to the church a new way of thinking about the controversial issue of gay marriage.

Speaking to a 2000-strong congregation, which included Prince Charles and David Cameron, Welby said “I feel that the deep divisions over same-sex marriage within the Anglican community have brought us to  a point of crisis, and the time for a new direction has come.

“And so whereas my predecessor, Dr Rowan Williams, characterised his feelings on this issue as ‘Frustrated’, I think you will all agree my approach is both original and positive when I tell you that I, on the other hand, feel ‘Challenged’.”

He beamed and repeated “‘Challenged’, see? It’s a totally different word.”

After several moments of silence, during which a confused audience waited for him to expand on this, he said “Um, that’s it really. I thought you’d be a bit more, you know, excited by that, to be honest.”

Welby, who is more evangelical and conservative than Williams, went on to say that he has “Huge respect” for his predecessor, but that “Whereas Dr Williams thought the church should start thinking about stopping thinking and starting acting, I myself believe that the church should think about stopping thinking about action and think about thinking a bit more first.”

A frustrated member of the congregation interjected “This is just ridiculous! Why can’t any of you just actually get on with it?! Look, all we want to know is: Can men put their willies in each other’s bottoms, and can women muff-dive, or not?”

The Archbishop replied “I hear what you’re saying, and I’m not going to prevaricate around the proverbial shrub. So I can tell you right now that, as I stand here before you, I’m definitely feeling challenged.”

The heckler cried out angrily “Words! It’s just words! You spineless, muddle-headed meddlers in other people’s private…”

At which point he was thrown out by clerical heavies.

“Yes, challenged.” said Welby, “Definitely very Challenged. Look my cheeks have gone red and everything.”

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