Chancellor’s budget surprise

by philapilus
English: A slice of Strawberry Cheesecake from...

The economy might be utterly screwed, but cheesecake is delicious

George Osborne surprised Whitehall this afternoon with what pundits are calling his most unusual budget speech yet.

The chancellor had been expected to outline a series of cuts for government departments, describe a gloomy economic forecast, and once again offer no hope whatsoever except that alcohol will continue to be just about affordable enough for Britons to drown their sorrows.

But, breaking with tradition, Osborne stepped up to the dispatch box and instead of laying out the budget documents, opened a Patisserie Valerie package, revealing a large strawberry cheesecake.

He then looked across at the shadow chancellor, and said with great deliberation and slowness “Mmm-mmmmmmm!”, before taking a dessert fork from his blazer pocket and beginning to eat.

Amidst opposition cries and jubilant cheers from the government, he continued to devour cheesecake, and Deputy Speaker Lindsay Hoyle had to call for order repeatedly as Osborne’s exclamations of “Mmmm-yum!” andMy God this is good!” were almost drowned out.

Undeterred however, the chancellor managed to keep going, even after missing his mouth with a substantial spoonful which left a creamy, berryish smear over his chin and all down his shirt.

On swallowing the last mouthful, Osborne turned to colleagues, nodding slowly with a huge smile on his face, then lifting up the plate he licked it from side-to-side ostentatiously.

He put it down, wiped some of the cheesecakey goodness from his cheeks and said “Oh, and also; some shit or other about affordable housing.” before sitting down to a deafening chorus of jubilant acclamations from the government ranks.

Within seconds, shadow chancellor Ed Balls was on his feet, bellowing “Strawberry cheesecake?! Strawberry fucking CHEESECAKE? Has the right honourable gentleman lost his mind?! Everyone knows raspberry cheesecake is by far the better choice! When will this government of tory toffs learn what we already know; that what this House – what this country – needs, are fucking raspberries?!

“Believe me, after the next election when he and I have swapped places, my right honourable friend is going to reap the whirlwind when he has to sit there and watch me chow down on some fucking raspberries, like any decent, honest politician should! And i will be using a spoon, not a fucking up-yer-own-arse dessert fork!”

Hoyle reprimanded the shadow chancellor most strongly for his unparliamentary language, and a physical fight almost broke out between the opposing front benches as the House descended into chaos.

Order was momentarily restored, until a planted question from tory backbencher David Amess, who asked, “Does the chancellor agree with me that opposition calls for a change in economic direction are basically fuckwitted, not to mention totally gay?”

“Indeed I do,” said Osborne, then clicked his fingers, at which pre-arranged signal Danny Alexander wheeled in Margaret Thatcher, who was strapped to a sackbarrow, and screaming “TINA! TINA! T…I…N…A!” at the top of her voice.

After that the House broke for lunch.

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