Britain’s dangerous build-up of excess wax

by unpseudable

Oh shit! There are five of them?

News has emerged this week that Britain is currently sitting on a dangerously vast mountain of excess wax, primed to be used to create likenesses of vacuous, even noxious, celebrities.

This problem has been growing for some time, but reached a head yesterday as wax likenesses of the famously pointless boyband One Direction were produced for Madame Tussauds. Many are now considering this as dangerous a situation as the emergence of antibiotic-resistant bacteria.

Chief Medical Officer, Dame Sally Davies hastily issued a statement. “The issue really is that one version of utterly mindless dicks is probably enough of a threat to society. The non-wax versions are quite enough to remind us of the the depths to which the human race can plummet.

“If we don’t do something about this excess wax, and quickly, we will be in danger of replicating even more malefic individuals. It may in fact already be too late. This could be the unholy trinity of wax that will ultimately bring our country to its knees. What? There are four of them? Fuck me, I’m off. I hear Antarctica is nice this time of year.”

Others offer a more positive assessment. Entertainment guru, Gary Uru says, “Yes, at first sight this does look like an horrific development, however our excess wax problem can have positive ramifications.

“Many people assume that once the group’s fame ebbs next week the waxworks will be simply melted down. If this were to happen we would lose largely harmless wax replicas, and be left with actual people. Now, what can now be rolled-out instead is the melting down of the band members themselves, leaving the more innocuous wax-hewn models. Which – get this – can’t even pretend to sing.

“Did I say ‘melted down’?  I did of course mean that conceptually.”

Yet another less negative outcome to the dangerously vast amounts of wax has also been posited. Professional man on the street, Dave Ordinary says, “Pardon? There’s too much wax? Get it in your ears, you’ll never hear these fuckers again.”


*Disclaimer* TMB would like to point out that it in no way endorses the physical melting-down of celebrities.  Other than perhaps Chris Brown.

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