Kate: “I’ll take a teddy for my d…”

by philapilus
Royal Wedding of William & Kate 155

Face it; it’s not going to look out of place in this line-up. (And also, it can pull the chariot, as long as it isn’t actually on fire)

  Rife speculation over whether the Duchess of Cambridge was expecting a boy or a girl reached a fevered climax yesterday, after reports that she almost let slip what the baby’s sex was.

According to pretty much every newspaper and glossy mag out there, some random woman off the street claims she might have heard the princess nearly using the word ‘daughter’. Allegedly.

But this morning, to the stunned shock of the world’s media, a statement was issued to the press on behalf of the Royal couple which revealed a far-stranger truth.

“This was going to come out anyway,” read the statement, “but we just didn’t know how to say it. Thanks to the helpful rumour started by this kind-hearted member of the public, we now have the perfect opportunity.

“And so it is that we find ourselves having to inform you that the Duchess is in fact going to give birth to a donkey. Yes, sadly the ‘d…’ word was ‘donkey’.

“We have no idea how this happened. Frankly the worst we expected was that it was going to come out looking like Harry, and we had prepared an excellent excuse. But this was just right out of left-field.

“Not only does my wife assure me that she has never had carnal knowledge of the species in question, but we understand it shouldn’t even be scientifically possible for a human to give birth to a donkey. But when we asked the Royal obstetrician about it, he said it was just one of those things, and it was best not to delve into it too much, on the whole.”

The British people (who have always respected and supported the need for privacy asserted by their beloved overlords, and who certainly never take a prurient interest in royal gossip), declined to comment today, but were clearly palpably shocked.

Flags flew at half mast, and donkey sanctuaries up and down the country received large cash donations whilst simultaneously being burned to the ground. The few people still eating beef forswore it completely, and observers observed that the normally thoughtful general public seemed unable to deal with this strange information.

But the BBC’s Royal correspondent, Lenny Henry, said “Big wows. What’s the problem here exactly? So Kate gives birth to a donkey, so what? Get over it. No one even raised an eyebrow when Prince Charles married a horse.”

Donkey foal (between one day an one month old)

“Not unprecedented”: Prince Edward wasn’t exactly a looker when he was born either

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