Breaking news: Vatican inquiry into Cardinal Keith O’Brien makes preliminary statement

by philapilus
English: Broken glass

Reporting breaking news so fast we don’t even pause to call the glazier in

The members of the Vatican inquiry into the sexual misconduct of Cardinal Keith O’Brien met this morning, and in a brief document outlined the basis of their investigation.

“The Holy Catholic Church hereby convenes the inquiry into Cardinal Keith O’Brien, whose sinful sexual encounters have caused us great pain and shame.

“The Cardinal has grieviously harmed the church’s image with his flagrant disregard for precedent and his perverse choice of sexual partners who were not simply over the age of consent, but were actual adults.

“The Cardinal has not only engaged in forbidden relations, but – far more worryingly – he has broken with the Edict of Nantes, which clearly states that “As long as thou sticketh it in someone under 12, it counteth not as sin in the sight of the LORD. Maketh thou sure the person be smaller than 12 years, and yea verily; it is basically fine.”

The inquiry is being chaired by Spanish cardinal Carlos Amigo Vallejo, who said this morning, “I am delighted and humbled to take up this role – and also as surprised as everyone else. No-one expected a Spanish person to lead the inquisition.”

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