Eastleigh put under quarantine

by philapilus
English: Nigel Farage at a conference in the G...

Sectioned since this morning

The town of Eastleigh has been blockaded and surrounded by the armed forces this morning, after the Ministry of Defence realised that its inhabitants were displaying total collective insanity.

MoD officials said the only possible conclusion after yesterday’s ‘sanity litmus-test’ was that the entire population of adult residents had been affected on a massive level by some devastatingly potent biological or chemical brain-warping agent.

Major Dick Haines-Fanshaw-Fanshaw said “On seeing the reults of the test we realised the urgency of the problem and immediately sealed off the town, cutting off all lines of communication, and erecting a firewall – literally a ring of massive fuck-off bonfires – to stop anyone getting in or out.”

The test used to measure the town’s sanity took the form of a simple logic exam, where each resident was asked to decide in what order to place the following:

A     a useless bastard

B     a useless spineless bastard

C     a useless batshit-crazy rightwing bastard (slightly racist)

D     a useless batshit-crazy rightwing bastard (very racist)

The entire town agreed upon the order BDCA, which meant that under the terms of the examination they had to be categorised as ‘Utterly deranged’.

“The only way it could have been worse,” said Major Dick, “would be if they had chosen D first, which they very nearly did. Then we would have dropped the napalm.

“The correct answer of course, is to spoil the ballot sheet by smearing shit all over it, then nailing it to the head of a polling station supervisor whilst shouting ‘IS THIS A FUCKING JOKE???’

“But hardly any of them did that.”

The EU Sanity Commission meanwhile warned that the entire UK risked being put under similar quarantine in a couple of years time, when the same test is applied nationwide.

A spokesman said “In 2010 the country said that a mix of BC was the best choice. If they do that again in 2015 we’re going to have to make Britain put on the industrial-sized straitjacket.

“Unless of course Italy’s still wearing it.”

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