Archive for March, 2013

March 28, 2013

New Cumnock wins ‘Most exemplary Scottish town’ award

by philapilus

Naturally it had to be spruced up quite a bit before it looked this good

Residents of New Cumnock in East Ayrshire are celebrating today, after discovering that their hometown has won the coveted ‘Carbuncle Award’.

The yearly prize is awarded to the Scottish town considered most dismal, which in Scotland is a highly prized status.

Resident Jock McStrap makes 180% proof moonshine from potatoes, and sells it in a windowless, disused pigsty behind his derelict house, which makes him both the most successful businessman in the town, and the nearest thing it has to a public functionary.

Accepting the ‘Plook on a Plinth’ award

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March 27, 2013

North Korea “May have a PC” warns US

by philapilus

It’s possible that other North Korean images of military might are also lacking in veracity.

The international community has expressed grave concerns today, after an official photograph of North Korean military forces showed worrying signs of having been digitally manipulated.

US intelligence experts say they fear that North Korea may possess previously unguessed-at levels of technological competency, and might even have Windows ’98.

Whilst some observers suggest that an apparently Photoshopped image of a few hovercraft landing on a beach seems the work of a pathetically self-deluding bunch of tossers, nations with

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March 26, 2013

Economic woes dwarfed by news of fewer butterflies

by philapilus

Our children’s children will only know about them from ancient black and white photographs in history textbooks.

The global economic crisis, and the concomitant political upheaval it has unleashed have been put into proper perspective today, by the far more worrying revelation that there are slightly fewer butterflies around than there used to be.

Scientists (and let’s face it, if anyone is going to know it’s them) have said that they stood in the pouring rain for absolutely hours last year, trying to count the beautiful but pointless insects.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, Head of Lepidoptery at the Slough Institute for Nature Stuff, said “Well of course what I study is leopards, mainly, but I did pop

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March 25, 2013

BoJo mauled by Eddie Mair

by philapilus
Boris Johnson

Surgeons say they may not be able to restore Johnson’s broken face to its former, rugged handsomeness

Mayor of London Boris Johnson is understood to be fighting for his life after being savagely assaulted by the BBC’s Eddie Mair yesterday.

Mair was drafted in to interview the charismatic politician, due to the continued absence of a recuperating Andrew Marr.

“He seemed a good choice,” said a BBC senior executive, “no one really knows much about him at the corporation, but he’s always been quiet, kept himself to himself, and, more importantly, his name is spelled very similarly to Marr’s. We thought he could do a spot of filling in, you know, no problems.”

But viewers were shocked as, instead of welcoming Johnson to the show, Mair hissed “I am going to eat your skin, fat boy!”, then

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March 25, 2013

Jolie ditches Brad for sugar-daddy Hague

by philapilus
William Hague cropped.

You can’t exactly blame her, can you?

Hollywood has been shaken today by a celebrity earthquake measuring 9.9 on the Richter scale, after it emerged that Angelina Jolie is leaving Brad Pitt for new lover, William Hague.

The A-list actress and the foreign secretary of the UK were due to travel together to Africa this morning, ostensibly to raise international awareness of rape in warzones.

But the star of such high art films as Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, admitted to reporters moments before embarkation that this was simply a ruse, and

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March 23, 2013

Gove “worst thing to have ever existed” say scientists

by articulatedsheep

Michael Gove’s appearance on Question Time last Thursday has reportedly given scientists the last piece of the evidential jigsaw needed to prove beyond doubt that the Secretary of State is the worst thing to have happened since the Big Bang.

The research draws on new data produced by the Planck Telescope, which has produced data showing that the universe is 50 million years older than initially thought. Scientists last week carried out computations that showed that nothing happened in that timeframe that was worse than Gove’s current existence.

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March 21, 2013

Archbishop spells out radical new message on homosexuality row

by philapilus
Justin Welby to be confirmed as Archbishop of ...

Hands up if you still can’t decide…

The newly enthroned Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, announced today that he would bring to the church a new way of thinking about the controversial issue of gay marriage.

Speaking to a 2000-strong congregation, which included Prince Charles and David Cameron, Welby said “I feel that the deep divisions over same-sex marriage within the Anglican community have brought us to  a point of crisis, and the time for a new direction has come.

“And so whereas my predecessor, Dr Rowan Williams, characterised his feelings on this issue as ‘Frustrated’, I think you will all agree my approach is both original and positive when I tell you that I, on the other hand, feel ‘Challenged’.”

He beamed and repeated “‘Challenged’, see? It’s a totally different word.”

After several moments of

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March 21, 2013

Bradford’s Rubbish says Bradford MP

by unpseudable

Not Mr Galloway’s natural environment at all

Respect MP for Bradford West, George Galloway yesterday tabled an Early Day Motion ripping the entire city of Bradford a new one.

The carefully chosen wording of the EDM begins conventionally enough with a vociferous complaint about the excessive pay award of £178,476 to the Chief Executive of Bradford’s district council.  It then goes on to point out that Bradford “has some of the worst schools, the worst hospitals, and among the highest rates of unemployment in the country, not to mention possibly the most unattractive mingers in the whole of Yorkshire.”  Getting into his stride, he claims that there’s always a stench of urine coming from the public swimming baths, and even the drinking water “tastes a little pissy”.

Unable to let it go there, he then challenges the entire pensioner community to a fight “with or without zimmer frames, it’s all the same to me”,

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March 20, 2013

Chancellor’s budget surprise

by philapilus
English: A slice of Strawberry Cheesecake from...

The economy might be utterly screwed, but cheesecake is delicious

George Osborne surprised Whitehall this afternoon with what pundits are calling his most unusual budget speech yet.

The chancellor had been expected to outline a series of cuts for government departments, describe a gloomy economic forecast, and once again offer no hope whatsoever except that alcohol will continue to be just about affordable enough for Britons to drown their sorrows.

But, breaking with tradition, Osborne stepped up to the dispatch box and instead of laying out the budget documents, opened a Patisserie Valerie package, revealing a

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March 20, 2013

Assault weapons “OK again” says US

by philapilus

 Democratic Senate leader Harry Reid has dropped the proposed ban on assault weapons from the firearms control bill, after overwhelming evidence emerged that, actually, they’re probably fine again now.

5,56 mm HS Produkt VHS-D assault rifle

All together now: “Falling in love again, Never wanted to, What am I to do? Can’t heeeelp it…”

 “Sandy Hook was, like, literally months ago,” said Reid, “which by American standards makes it virtually prehistoric. Since then we’ve had a long old period when assault weapons have been in the doghouse, but it’s time for them to come out again.

“It’s like, there’s this old man on my street, and everyone always knew he was a bit paedo-ish, but then he went

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