Simon Piggout: Views on PMQs

by philapilus

 

Crop of Image:Hoggart LD Conf Brighton 06 2.jpg

We have no idea who this guy is though

We are proud to welcome parliamentary commentator and sketchwriter, Simon Piggout, to our mighty organ. Simon has graciously allowed us access to his notes before he writes them up into a sketch for the Grauniad.

1200: Ed Miliband has asked David Cameron to admit that the downgrade in the triple A credit rating is a humiliating indictment of his policies.

1201: Cameron asks in response how Miliband intends to fix the problems over-borrowing has caused through more borrowing. What larks!

1202: Miliband says Cameron avoided the question.

1203: Cameron says Miliband has avoided his question.

1204: Miliband says I asked first, so you answer mine first

1205: Cameron says no, I’m prime minister, you answer mine first.

1206: Both leaders are taking turns to say ‘no you first,’ ‘no you first’.

1212: They are still saying ‘no you first’. Hate this bloody job.

1213: Miliband has asked Cameron why he won’t admit he has his head up his bottom. He has a point.

1214: Cameron has invited Ed Miliband to sit on his big hairy dick and swivel. Sort of hoping he might, just to break the monotony. God, I’m bored.

1215: Sir Peter Tapsell speaks; I get goosebumps and pretend I don’t fancy him

1217: Hazel Blears says something, but by this point I am not really listening. She’s a poisonous little gnome anyway.

1225: Bugger, completely nodded off there. nevemind. Will make my joke about Sir Peter Tapsell extra-long this week. Must be able to get a couple of paragraphs out of it. Sweet lord, I love that man.

1227: Someone’s saying something about Romanians and Bulgarians. Note to self: must work out where those countries are so I can make some snooty joke about people not knowing where they are.

1232: God I hate my job. Someone’s asked something about Eastleigh? Going to have to look that up too. Why do they talk so much?

1235: Right. Going to have a quick one off the wrist in the toilets, then write this bollocks up for the Grauniad. Some squalid little web-news-site thing offered me a tenner for these notes. Dickheads. I would have given them away for the price of a pint. Still, no harm done. Must remember to scribble this bit out before I hand it over.

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