“Missed again!” Pope taunts God

by philapilus
English: VATICAN. With Pope Benedict XVI. Русс...

“So we’re agreed? We’ll keep telling Him to fuck off, and let him take it out on your countrymen. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Pope Benedict XVI this morning used one of his last public appearances to lash out at God Almighty, Alpha and Omega, Creator of All that Is and Was and Shall Be, accusing Him of being “As past it as I am”.

The relationship between the LORD and his head representative on Earth has soured dramatically, since the pontiff announced last week his intention to quit his job to spend more time pursuing his new hobbies, or “Burying myself up to my eyebrows in jugs and drugs.” as he put it.

After a lightning strike on St Peter’s basilica on Monday, God was widely accused of having tried to assassinate the terrestrial keeper of the keys of Heaven. A source close to the Pope said Benedict XVI was living in terror under his bed, and had bought airline tickets for an undisclosed South American location.

“A lot of ex-Nazis go there,” said the source, “So His Holiness will fit in well.”

But following a meteor shower that missed Italy by hundreds of miles, landing in the Urals, coupled with the non-event of a huge meteor which passed Earth by some 17,000 miles rather than landing right on top of the Vatican, the Pope’s mood appears to have transmuted to cocksure arrogance.

Taunting his soon-to-be-former employer, and accusing God outright of having completely lost his aim, the Pope said to the St Peter’s square Sunday morning crowd “I don’t know why we’ve been grovelling all these years. Those last two attempts missed by miles. If I were you guys I would take that as a celestial sign and do whatever the fuck you want from now on, safe in the knowledge that if the Almighty Father takes a crack at you with a lightning bolt he’s probably only going to end up killing some Russki peasant.

“Break out the rubber johnnies!”

As yet God has not responded to Benedict XVI’s verbal assault, but it is understood that the Vatican has almost emptied, with senior church members putting in for emergency leave en masse. The Pope’s cook summed up the feelings of the staff, “If Joseph Rat-singer wants food he can get it himself. I am not going anywhere near that senile death-wish kraut.”

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