BREAKING NEWS: God denies attempted murder of Pope

by philapilus

 

Lightning storm over Boston - NOAA

“Yo, do NOT be dissing me, y’all. Dig?”

God Almighty, Who Is and Was and Evermore Shall Be, Yahweh, Creator of Heaven and Earth, MA (Oxon) and World of Warcraft Level 29, has surprised believers and fans alike in holding His first ever press conference, in order to deny that He tried to kill the Pope yesterday.

In a voice like the thunderous clashing of continents, the Lord spake thusly: “Look mofos, I want to make it perfectly clear that the lightning strike on St Peter’s basilica yesterday was absolutely nothing to do with me, and nor was the slippery bathroom floor, or the garotte found suspiciously spanning his bedroom doorway at neck-level.

“Naturally I am really pissed that Ratsarse-inger is resigning; I made it perfectly clear to him that this was a job for life, and that no one quits me.

“But I did not attempt to kill him, and hopefully he’ll have a long and happy retirement, before I harvest his soul.”

However, as the Master of all Creation left the podium He neglected to remove his lapel-mic, and was distinctly heard muttering “So they say lightning doesn’t strike twice, eh? We’ll just see about that Joe, we’ll just bloody well see about that.” 

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