“Guns don’t kill people, cats do” says new report

by philapilus
English: Blue-eyed cats with white fur have a ...

“You are feeling sleepy, very very sleepy…we are out of kitty litter; piss off to the shop, minion.”

A group of scientists have published an article in Nature Communications, which claims that the most dangerous creature in the whole world is almost certainly the common cat.

The authors believe that felines may be responsible for killing almost 4 billion birds, and perhaps as many as 20 billion small mammals, in the USA alone each year.

They also estimate that around seventy per cent of all homicides are actually secretly carried out by cats, whose natural stealth and small size mean they are almost never suspected. To date no feline has ever been convicted of murder.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, co-author of the report says “Fundamentally cats enjoy killing, whether it be a bird, a shrew, or a housewife from Arkansas.”

“Our research suggests that within the cat-world there is no greater achievement than to kill a human, and then watch as another human takes the blame. The pleasure is even more intense if the scapegoat human is then put to death.”

Professor McEyebrau’s team also think cats have powerful means of mind-control, with which they are able to force their so-called ‘owners’ to spend thousands of dollars giving them anything they want and keeping them alive beyond their natural span.

There is even a suggestion that cats cause humans to start wars, purely for their own amusement, meaning that the species could be responsible for the deaths of literally billions of people throughout history.

The report’s findings have met with strong opposition from cat-lovers however. Self-confessed Crazy Cat Lady, Samantha Furdiver, said “This is blatant anti-cat propaganda. Look at this picture of a kitten in my locket! See? How could it ever hurt anyone?

“Look at the seventen dear little pussies rubbing themselves on my rug on on the floor! Do those little diddumses look capable of big bad nasty killings? Of course not!

“Look at the massive cat-face tattooed on my forehead! Does that look like the face of a creature that could enslave a person to do its every bidding, tend to its every whim and cover up its psychotic violence? Does it?”

She added “I’m sorry, we’ll have to stop the interview there. Mr Tiddles needs his bottom licked, and if I don’t do it he’ll try himself, and his tongue will get all dirty again, won’t it dear little Mr Tiddles!”

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