Thousands line up to kick Swansea City ball-boy

by philapilus
A football (or soccer ball) icon.

See? he does look an awful lot like a ball.

A ball-boy has seen his Twitter followers rise to 80,000 overnight, after being kicked by Chelsea midfielder Eden Hazard during a match held on Wednesday.

The vast majority of those now following him have asked if they can come and give him a kicking too, with thousands more ringing his home or gathering in the street outside with the same intention.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, footballologist at the Slough Institute of Sport and Writing Things Down, said “What we have here is a very interesting phenomenon. Essentially, most of the early recruits to his Twitter feed yesterday were Chelsea supporters, eager to punish the ball-boy for time-wasting.

“But increasingly, more and more of his new followers have been football fans who were just generally angry, wanted someone to hurt, and had noticed on TV that here was someone who it was absolutely fine to give a virtually consequenceless kicking to.”

Witnesses said the boy had thrown his body over the football, to give the winning Swansea side an added time-advantage, when Eden Hazard lashed out with his foot, in an attempt to retrieve it.

But a spokesman for Chelsea said “Hazard obviously didn’t mean to kick him. It’s just that that kid really, really looked like a football, and Eden got confused. These premiership footballers are used to kicking balls when they’re on the pitch earning vast sums of money, and aren’t accustomed to having to check they’re not attached to anyone.

“Plus his actual job was ‘ball-boy’. Which has basically got the word ‘ball’ in it, see? If that’s not confusing, I don’t know what is. I mean, if you throw a bendy yellow thing to a monkey, he’s going to think it’s a banana.”

Despite the incident’s having been witnessed by thousands if not millions of people, it would appear Hazard will face no criminal charges. Most people involved in the sport appear to think that being allowed into the Chelsea changing room to kiss the player’s feet is more than adequate recompense for receiving a bit of a kick from someone wearing a studded boot.

Having seen an incredibly overpaid man being aggressive to a child without legal consequences, football fans everywhere are now very keen to have a go at the same whipping-boy. Or kicking-boy, rather.

Professor McEyebrau said “See, this is what happens if you let working class people have hobbies.”

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