Charlie Brown faces up to 9 years in prison

by philapilus
Snoopy statue given to the Kennedy Space Cente...

Gang-member Snoopy was formerly a successful astronaut, before embarking on a life of crime.

Former ‘Peanuts’ gang member, Charlie Brown, has been arrested and charged with stalking and making criminal threats, by the San Diego District Attorney.

A former victim of the gang’s, who asked to remain anonymous, said “This is a great day for all those who have suffered at the hands of that brutal thug.

“Finally I feel I can go to sleep at night without the terror of waking to see that round head silhouetted in the bedroom doorway, and that gravelly voice rasping ‘I’ll give you some Good Grief now, motherfucker.”

Brown – despite being incredibly timid and physically awkward as a youth – still managed to gain leadership of the small-town  hoodlum gang, after defeating rival Shermy in a game of conkers.

Shermy’s body was never found, and Charlie’s reign of terror over a small Minneapolitan community lasted some fifty years. During this time it became apparent that the entire gang was linked by a rare genetic condition causing their bodies to stop maturing, so they appeared never to grow up.

Their apparent child-likeness did nothing to mitigate the violence of their crimes, however. With almost innumerable felonies on their rapsheets, many members were already incarcerated before Brown’s capture.

  • Linus and his sister Lucy were jailed for life in 2000 after being convicted of the vicious murder of the Flintstone family back in 1966.
  • ‘Peppermint’ Patty Reichardt, and her lesbian partner ‘Marcie’ (aka Marcie Johnson aka Marcie Howe), were also jailed in early 2000, for a series of burglaries which involved the hideous torture of care-home residents for bank account details.
  • Charlie Brown’s lieutenant, the white supremacist Schroeder, was convicted of the high-profile murders of several notable rappers, including the Notorious B.I.G, Tupac Shakur, and Jam Master Jay. A classical music buff, he said at his trial “I am as offended by their pathetic n***er “music”, as I am by their ugly n***er-skin.”
  •  ‘Pig-Pen’, the gang’s most mysterious member, was sectioned in the early 2000s, after Environmental Health services raided his home on a tip-off, and found that he had covered the walls with excrement and semen. Police later discovered hundreds of thousands of voyeuristic secret photographs of women in gym changing rooms under his bed.

Sheriff Randy Bumfukowicz said “With the arrest of Brown we hope to see the end of a reign of terror that has ruined the lives of so many good people, and decent Americans. It has taken years to get something on Brown to stick; he is one slippery character.

“Every time you think you’ve got him, he walks on the charges. He’s like a football that gets yanked away every time you try to kick it, and you just fall flat on your ass. But this time that ball is going right over the goal and out of the stadium.”

But Bumfukowicz said he had “No comment” on the fact that the most dangerous members of the ‘Peanuts’ crew, known only as ‘Snoopy’ and ‘Woodstock’ are still at large.

Thought to be hiding out in Guatemala, the pair are wanted for multiple homicides. Witnesses saw them wipe out both the entire ‘Care Bear’ posse, and all of the original members of the infamous ‘Get Along Gang’.

In both cases, and with reckless disregard for the police, Snoopy and Woodstock stayed on the scene long enough to mutilate the bodies, and left behind video recordings of their crimes. The pair are considered “Extremely dangerous, and not to be approached under any circumstances.””

%d bloggers like this: