Beyonce lip-syncing scandal leads to violent demands for new election

by philapilus

The USA has been driven to the brink of  internicine civil war, by the news that pop-singer Beyonce Knowles-Carter probably lip-synced her performance at President Obama’s inauguration ceremony.

Beyoncé Knowles performing "Listen" ...

In years to come she will be remembered as a greater foe to the American people than Bin Laden ever was

Beyonce performed the American hit-parade classic ‘Star Spangled Banner’, written and first made famous by the Rembrandts, and released as the B-side for their single ‘I’ll be there for you’.

But accusations that she lip-synced, instead of singing the song live, have resulted in rioting and outbreaks of violence throughout the country.

Governors of the Southern states have met and drawn up plans for a New Confederacy, and ordinary Americans have joined with the Ku Klux Klan in burning unpleasant effigies of the singer.

A Supreme Court ruling has stated that the last election is to be considered null and void, and another one, again costing around $97Bn, will have to be fought.

 Dick Splash, spokesman for the Republican party said “You know what? Syncing is another word for deceiving, and deceiving is another word for lying. Beyonce lied! She LIED! And Obama LIED! THIS is the deceit you can now expect from his ENTIRE PRESIDENCY! These negroes have turned our profoundest ceremony into a joke!

“Kelly Clarkson, who is, like, hello, a Repubulican, (BIG SUPRISE), did NOT lip-sync her INFINITELY BETTER performance of ‘My Country Tis of Thee’ so why did the black chick MIME? I realise I am talking in capitals, but I am just so GODDAMM MAD at this FUCKING DISGRACE.”

Organiser of the inauguration ceremony, Ben Affleck, said, “In retrospect I think I can see what the problem was. I sort of assumed that what mattered was having stirring music as a backdrop to the ceremony, and that a pre-recording (still done by the singer herself) was a safe bet in case it was fucking freezing, as indeed it was.

English: The Star Spangled Banner

The small print says that if you mime to it your soul will belong to the devil

“But of course I forgot that our entire country is now just a giant extension of “America’s Got Factor Talent Idol”, or whatever that fucking show is called, and that therefore a pop-star’s song is infinitely more important than some dude getting made President, which is not really interesting to anyone anyway.”

He added “If you want to blame someone for the fact that the entire world is now basically peopled by barely-sentient talent-show-obsessed morons, who need a cheat-sheet to remind them how to clap, blame Simon Cowell. What a complete arse that man is.”

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: