Winner expected to have massive fight with Oliver Reed in the afterlife

by articulatedsheep

Celestial observers have advised that the death of “film” “director” Michael Winner means that there is an odds-on certainty that he and long-deceased toper Oliver Reed will be having a bust-up next to the Pearly Gates before the day is out.

Ha ha, let's make fun of dead people! Because they can't sue us. And we're cowards.

Ha ha, let’s make fun of dead people! Because they can’t sue us. And we’re cowards.

“Ollie has been pretty tetchy since he first came up here,” said an angel, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity. “The only pub we have up here is actually a temperance bar, which stocks a wide range of delicious cordials, but on his first night he kept on demanding a pint of Double Diamond with an advocaat chaser. Things have pretty much gone downhill since there.”

Winner is known for having directed a series of low-rate films in the 70s and 80s. This was a period when the British film industry was in the doldrums, mainly as the result of an unholy pact done with the devil which required that everything produced by a UK company between 1972 and 1988 to feature Michael Caine in a starring role. However, the flipside of this deal saw everyone involved in the film industry at the time get an automatic pass to eternal happiness in Heaven.

“We’ve had to keep them all in their own special fenced-off section,” said our source, “so that they don’t disturb any of the people who actually deserve to be here. Then we discovered that they were getting together to start making new films. The place is drowning in portmanteau horrors and things which are apparently called ‘sex comedies’ which seem to heavily feature swanee whistles and the word ‘crumpet’. Our worry is that, if a director of Winner’s prodigious awfulness comes up here, it’ll give them a fresh wind, and we’ll start to see them churning out awful nonsense with titles like ‘The Icarus Conundrum’, or poorly-produced dreck with a load of unnecessary tit shots in order to get an ‘X’ rating.”

“The Almighty is absolutely shitting bricks about this.”

Winner, perhaps best known for his amusing catchphrases, “Calm down, dear!” and “What the fuck do you think you’re doing? Do you call that fucking acting? Let’s roll again, I don’t care how many fucking times we have to do this, we’ll stay here all night if we need to. Oh, stop blubbing”, was great friends with Reed, which observers consider will make it even more likely that the two will come to blows in the Celestial City. “Ollie was always a physically demonstrative man,” said contemporary Jim Dale, “but of course that demonstrativeness was only ever expressed through his fists. Combine that with Michael’s almost suicidal tendency to insult and belittle everyone who came into contact with him and you can see what an interesting combination they made.” Just to be clear, he didn’t actually say that.


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