All humans “to be eliminated by 2017”

by articulatedsheep

The Government has announced that all human beings will be wiped out, in a process to begin this April.

The plan, which will take three years to implement, will see every man, woman and child permanently despatched by the Prime Minister, who will stare, glassy-eyed, into the middle distance while slowly squeezing the life from their twitching bodies.



Mr. Cameron will have both his lower arms replaced by brutal, terrifying prehensile pincers, to make his task of personally killing 62 million people easier.

“Once again,” said Labour Leader Ed Miliband, as the Prime Minister tightened his grip around his neck, “the Government have announced a policy which was in neither Coalition party’s manifesto, or even in the Coalition agreement. The fact of the matter is that crushing the necks of everyone in the country is just a further example of this damaging “skivers versus strivers” rhetoric that the Tories are forcing on us.”

The Prime Minister’s relentless claws have already swung into action, as part of a pilot programme which will see particularly poor and feckless people done away with first, before the rest of the population follows in a few short years.

Initial public reaction has been positive. Voters in Sutton, who viewed the first killings on the 24-hour channel that has been set up especially to televise the orgy of death, were reportedly delighted that people more economically disadvantaged than them were being exterminated. “Good on Mr. Cameron!” said one, Derek Torquemada, manager of the Sutton branch of BrightHouse. “It’s about time someone stood up to these skiving layabouts.”

“Speaking for myself, I can’t wait until he gets started on the immigraaaaaargh!” continued Mr. Torquemada, his rancid witterings turning into a choked scream as the Prime Minister emerged from behind a nearby packing crate and brought his steely grip to bear on his windpipe.

Defending the Government’s action, Michael Gove, speaking on “Today”, told John Humphries that Britons had nothing to fear from the policy. “Some naysayers have branded this draconian,” said Mr. Gove. “But ultimately, this will benefit Britain. There will be far fewer people getting in the way, and the corpses will all be ground down into meal to feed the horses of the landed gentry and political elite, such as me and my friends. Us, and our fellow wealth-creators, will therefore be freed up to ride around the country on horseback, chortling loudly as feral hounds rip to death on our command those sorry few people who have escaped David’s implacable hands. And what is good for us is good for the country at large. Ergo, the rest of you are all dickheads.”

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