Archive for January 21st, 2013

January 21, 2013

All humans “to be eliminated by 2017”

by articulatedsheep

The Government has announced that all human beings will be wiped out, in a process to begin this April.

The plan, which will take three years to implement, will see every man, woman and child permanently despatched by the Prime Minister, who will stare, glassy-eyed, into the middle distance while slowly squeezing the life from their twitching bodies.

Happy?

Happy?

Mr. Cameron will have both his lower arms replaced by brutal, terrifying prehensile pincers, to make his task of personally killing 62 million people easier.

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January 21, 2013

Winner expected to have massive fight with Oliver Reed in the afterlife

by articulatedsheep

Celestial observers have advised that the death of “film” “director” Michael Winner means that there is an odds-on certainty that he and long-deceased toper Oliver Reed will be having a bust-up next to the Pearly Gates before the day is out.

Ha ha, let's make fun of dead people! Because they can't sue us. And we're cowards.

Ha ha, let’s make fun of dead people! Because they can’t sue us. And we’re cowards.

“Ollie has been pretty tetchy since he first came up here,” said an angel, who spoke to us on condition of anonymity. “The only pub we have up here is actually a temperance bar, which stocks a wide range of delicious cordials, but on his first night he kept on demanding a pint of Double Diamond with an advocaat chaser. Things have pretty much gone downhill since there.”

Winner is known for having directed a series of low-rate films in the 70s and 80s. This was a period when the British film industry was in the doldrums, mainly as the result of an unholy pact done with the devil which required that everything produced by a UK company between 1972 and 1988 to feature Michael Caine in a starring role. However, the flipside of this deal saw everyone involved in the film industry at the time get an automatic pass to eternal happiness in Heaven.

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January 21, 2013

Winterwatch update: more exciting pigeon facts

by articulatedsheep

 Following on from last week’s “Winterwatch” on BBC1, we can present some more exciting and informative facts about pigeons, to further educate you about these airborne vermin.

  • All pigeons are called Paul. This leads to endless confusion;
  • Pigeons have especially acute vision, which allows them to see far into their own future. Ironically, their memories are awful, meaning that the wisdom and insight that this awesome power could give them will forever be squandered;
  • The number of pigeons in existence has to be balanced out against an equal number of “anti-pigeons”, which are kept stored in a secure location in a sealed vault somewhere in southern England. Failure to maintain this cosmic balance would result in ‘cataclysmic consequences’, according to the director of the European particle physics laboratory CERN;
  • Many pigeons died during the Second World War carrying important messages, saving countless servicemens’ lives in the process. Many won the ‘Dickin Medal’, an honour bestowed on animals who show conspicuous bravery on the battlefield. However, in 1958 the British military establishment was rocked when it was demonstrated that pigeons do not have higher brain functions and did not have even the most rudimentary understanding of the concepts of war or bravery. The surviving pigeon winners of the Medal were ignominiously stripped of their titles as a result, and died in disgrace;
  • Many have idly speculated as to the reasons why no-one ever seems to see baby pigeons. The answer, surprisingly, is that all the pigeons that one commonly sees on the street are baby pigeons. Adult pigeons are six feet tall, only come out at night, and have an insatiable appetite for human flesh.

 

 

January 21, 2013

Snow “worse than being an Algerian hostage” say Britons

by philapilus
snowwoman left and snowman right

And you thought terrorists were bad…

A survey carried out by the Slough Institute for Statistics and Sewage Treatment suggests over 70% of people believe that enduring the bad weather of the last few days is considerably more of a hardship than being a hostage in Algeria.

The death toll at the Saharan gas plant seized by Jihadist terrorists last week has now passed eighty, with several UK residents amongst the dead.Many bodies were found in such a disfigured state that identification was impossible.

But the survey, produced by Professor Hamish McEyebrau, shows that some 72% believe the hostages “Don’t know how lucky they are”, while nearly 60% of those surveyed “Think the snow is the worst catastrophe to hit Britain since David Jason’s acting.”

Veronica Smeglove, an OAP from Twyford, said

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January 21, 2013

CBeebies’ satire once again deemed too controversial

by philapilus
Camp Bestival 2009

Obviously completely inappropriate for kids

The CBeebies channel, home of vitriolic lampoonery, has again got into hot water over its In Yer Face content. The station broadcast a programme yesterday morning which ventured where no other satirical vehicle has yet dared to go.

In a specially commissioned episode of controversial show, the Tweenies, the character Max dressed up as Jimmy Savile, complete with godawful hairstyle, shell-suit and phallic, oversized cigar. He proceeded to feel up Milo and Fizz, then trapped Bella in a cupboard and made her fellate him, whilst he throttled Jake.

Max then assaulted the dogs Doodles and Izzles, before turning to the screen and rubbing his

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