Outrage as wrong sort of testicles found in burgers

by philapilus
Offal

This would be much less appealing if it came from a horse

Shoppers expressed their fury today at announcements that the bits of intestine, testicles, nostrils and fat-cysts which they have been enjoying in their burgers, may have come from the wrong sort of quadruped.

Meat products from supermarket giants Tesco, Aldi, Lidl and Iceland have been withdrawn after tests indicated some products contained reclaimed processed mashed-up bodyparts that came from horses and not cows.

David Cameron issued a warning to food suppliers in a statement today; “This is totally unacceptable. Your big mashing machines, those ones that can grind up a tree and turn it into Weetabix, appear to have been used on horses instead of cows. Frankly all the poor people in Britain who have to eat that crap will be very disappointed, because if there is one thing the British public hate it is lovable animals being harmed.

“You should have stuck to the ugly ones no one likes, or the wriggly things with more than four legs, like McDonalds does.”

He added “Ultimately though, I really couldn’t give a toss about any of this. It’s your problem, can’t you sort it out yourselves? I’m busy.”

Consumers remain concerned and unappeased, however. Unemployed carnivore Tim Twanks said “Well it’s an effing disgrace. The last thing I want when I do a great steaming turd that smells like an abattoir, is to think that I am looking down on the digested, ground-up remains of something that might have been called ‘Prancer’. It’s like a big sad face staring back at me out of the toilet. And crying. God, I’ve lost control of this analogy.”

Tesco’s Director of Awful Offal, Mike Ock, said “To be honest we were very worried, and thought this might really hit our sales at a very vulnerable time. We had withdrawn all the affected meat from the shelves, and taken it to a warehouse to destroy it, when there was this screech of brakes outside and a government car pulled up with Eric Pickles wedged inside.

“He offered to take the whole lot off our hands for a very reasonable price, and I was just about to accept, but then suddenly Dawn French arrived on the back of a flatbed truck and made an impressive counter-offer. I’ve left the two of them in the car-park in a bidding war, but it actually looks like we are going to make a massive, massive profit out of this.”

He rubbed his hands together and said “As the expression goes: ‘It’s an ill wind…’, eh? Or at least; it will be once they’ve eaten it all…”

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