Andrew Mitchell to be allowed to swear at plebs as much as he wants

by philapilus


Andrew Mitchell, Secretary of State for Intern...

Be sure to exercise your free speech when you meet an absolute shit

In the aftermath of the Plebgate scandal, the government has scrapped the law preventing people from being incredibly insulting, meaning former chief whip Mitchell can finally say whatever he wants to policemen.

Home Secretary Theresa May announced in the House of Commons that a Lords amendment ditching Section 5 of the 1986 Public Order Act was on the one hand regrettable, in that it was a boon to campaigners for free speech, but was still “Both necessary and desirable. Using insulting language is a vital part of keeping down oiks, proles and – dare I say it, plebs!”

The announcement was met with ecstatic cheers from the conservative benches, and May continued “My Right Honourable Friend can now go and properly mouth off at the wankers on the gates at Downing Street as much as he fucking well wants.”

Andrew Mitchell rose to acknowledge the Home Secretary’s words, and said “the Right Honourable Lady has done me a great service in changing this stupid fucking law, and I look forward to being able to call anyone I want a cunt from now on.”

With a wink to fellow tories who were on the edge of their seats with anticipation, he continued “And I am going to start with Ed “the Cunt” Miliband over there, and his Right Dishonourable crony, Ed “the Twat” Balls.”

At this point  a huge commotion broke out, and David Cameron and Ed Miliband had to be physically held back by their colleagues to prevent a punch-up. The speaker, John Bercow, called for order seventeen times before the tories finally stopped cheering.

Wendy Nailinthehead, campaigner for free speech group ‘My Lips are Wide Open’ said “Well obviously this is the result we wanted, but for entirely the wrong reason. It is like winning a million pounds on the lottery, but then finding that the cost of everything in the world, from dildos to didgeridoos, has increased by exactly one million and one pounds.

“I am gutted. Fuck Andrew Mitchell, that unbelievable fucking cunt. Fuck him right in his stupid face.”


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