Terrifying number of planets capable of producing another Alex Jones may exist

by philapilus
The Kepler-11 planetary system, with at least ...

The possibility that some of these might support whole species of Joneses has reignited the Star Wars programme

NASA revealed yesterday that as many as 461 new planets may have been discovered outside our solar system, and that, inevitably, some of them will have just the correct orbital distance and chemical make-up to allow for the existence of life-forms.

But initial enthusiasm for the discoveries, made possible by the Kepler satellite, turned to miserable pessimism, as scientists across the globe gloomily predicted that the evolution of such life-forms will inevitably culminate in the production of hateful shits like Alex Jones.

Even more worryingly, the data would indicate that our galaxy alone may have up to 17bn Earth-sized planets, giving a very high order of probability for the existence of perhaps millions of utter bastards on other worlds.

Shock-jock Jones, who appears seriously to believe that the world’s banks intend to invade America, unless he and other mentally unstable people are allowed military-grade weaponry, has long been used by geneticists to exemplify how evolution is capable of accidentally producing ultimate evil.

Richard Dawkins said last night “Evolution is wonderful, but it is capricious. Just as it creates worms that burrow into the eyes of African babies, so its mutations can produce even more appalling creatures like Alex Jones.

“And the problem is that because we as a society don’t automatically drop these people into volcanoes, they are capable of spreading the cultural meme of their evil throughout society.

“I am all for compassionate humanism, but the existence of Alex Jones makes me want to revert to Spartan techniques of throwing infants off a cliff if they appear to carry a trace of Jonesism in their DNA.”

Wayne La Pierre, Executive Vice-President of the NRA said “I just watched a clip in which Piers Morgan – Piers Morgan for chrissake – was made to look reasonable by a ranting humanoid creature from the nethermost regions of hell.

“Please please take my guns away from me and ban all firearms, so that I don’t just shoot myself in the head.”

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