Archive for January 9th, 2013

January 9, 2013

Wanker of the Week

by philapilus

This week, for the first time ever, TMB’s coveted ‘Wanker of the Week’ title is shared between two total and utter wankers!

So, in no particular order:

Alex Jones

Nominated by:

The Dalai Lama

Nominated for:

“I thought enlightenment was hard to attain, but this man has achieved something infinitely more difficult than merely reaching Nirvana; he made Piers ‘the shit’ Morgan look almost pleasant and reasonable! What a fucking wanker! Please, TMB, ‘fix it for me’ and make him your wanker of the week, and I’ll be in Seventh Heaven!”

 

Stephen Lennon

Nominated by:

Mother Theresa

Nominated for:

“I am actually contacting you from beyond the grave to ask you to make this obnoxious little bigoted fuckwit your ‘wanker of the week’, so strongly do I feel about his awfulness. Getting him on passport fraud is a bit like getting Capone on tax evasion, but nevermind, at least he’s in prison. Lets hope he gets gangbanged by some “hard, pipe-hittin’ niggas… with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch”, to coin a phrase.

“(Also, while we’re here, can I just say that heaven is not quite what I imagined. It’s much hotter and quite a bit more fiery than I expected, and everyone is really, really horrible. I’m starting to get a bit worried…)”

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January 9, 2013

Terrifying number of planets capable of producing another Alex Jones may exist

by philapilus
The Kepler-11 planetary system, with at least ...

The possibility that some of these might support whole species of Joneses has reignited the Star Wars programme

NASA revealed yesterday that as many as 461 new planets may have been discovered outside our solar system, and that, inevitably, some of them will have just the correct orbital distance and chemical make-up to allow for the existence of life-forms.

But initial enthusiasm for the discoveries, made possible by the Kepler satellite, turned to miserable pessimism, as scientists across the globe gloomily predicted that the evolution of such life-forms will inevitably culminate in the production of hateful shits like Alex Jones.

Even more worryingly, the data would indicate that our galaxy alone may have up to 17bn Earth-sized planets, giving a very high order of probability for the existence of perhaps millions of utter bastards on other worlds.

Shock-jock Jones, who

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