Labour: “We pledge Ferraris for everyone (unless we win)”

by philapilus
Rare Casio fx-77 Solar Powered Scientific Calc...

It pretty much comes down to who has the best one of these

Labour has this morning revealed that if it were currently in power all of the long term-unemployed would be given temporary jobs , those in work would each get a Ferrari, barmaids would be 32% more attractive, and old people would remember more than they used to, and be slightly less annoying, talkative and urine-scented.

Ahead of next Tuesday’s debate on whether benefits should rise in accordance with inflation, shadow work and pensions secretary, Liam Byrne said “We have this really good scientific calculator, that Ed Balls’s mum bought him for doing his A-levels, and we all sat round and did the maths the other day, and we could afford to do all this right now, if we were in office. I bet you wished you’d voted for us now.”

Byrne added “We are throwing down the gauntlet to the conservatives with this hypothetical spending plan, and feel we can promise, hand on heart, that if we were in their shoes, everyone would have a job and a really fast car. This puts the onus on them to explain just why it is that Britain is not currently full of happy, employed people speeding around in new automobiles.”

Labour were quick to point out that this did not constitute an election promise, and  that should they win in 2015 the proposals would no longer apply.

“This is sort of a ‘right here, right now’ spontaneous thing,” said Ed Miliband, “Naturally we aren’t committing to it, because the Tories will spend the next two years setting fire to every banknote in the country for lighting cigars or warming brandy, and then when we win, through no fault of our own, we wouldn’t be able to deliver.”

But political analyst, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School for Waste-disposal and Sky-pies, said “This is essentially a promise that is entirely unfalsifiable, and is therefore as trustworthy as the telephone voting system for a talent TV show. No one would dream of seriously believing that ringing up a production company would – sorry? Oh they do? Really? Oh well forget it then.”

But conservative chairman and winner of 2012’s Oleaginous Little Prick of the Year award, Grant Shapps, said “This is typical posturing from the opposition, who are no more capable of getting the plebian, hateful lower-class scum of this country to work than we are. When will you people in the media realise that unless you get behind our eugenics plan there’s no-”

At which point he was tackled and gagged by Nick Clegg and Eric Pickles. David Cameron declined to comment, either on Labour’s plans or Shapps’ performance, saying “But trust me: if I was in opposition I would have a bloody good response for you.”

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