Druids face embarrassment over Stonehenge revelations

by philapilus

You put the long hard one into the hole and something magical happens

As the traditional crowds gather at Stonehenge today for the celebration of the winter solstice, newly unearthed archaeological evidence threatens to make the Druids look a bit silly.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Public Lavatories Instititute for Archaeology and Utter Balls, said “A series of inscribed stone tablets were discovered, along leylines leading into Stonehenge. Initially we thought the ancient pictograms might give insights into the strange beliefs of pre-historic man.

“But after careful analysis, we can confirm that in fact these are makeshift signposts, directing passersby to what we have now come to understand was the country’s most popular dogging spot.”

He sighed, and said “You see this one here? This translates as ‘Loose Lucy she give good rub-rub, meet by big stone shaped like wang’.

“It’s really very sad, but the evidence is irrefutable I am afraid. The great monoliths were erected purely so that people would know where to gather if they wanted some random-stranger-shagging action.

“I am so sorry.”

Leader of the Druids, King Arthur Pendragon (not his real name), said “We have always felt we have a long and proud heritage of religious knowledge going back millenia, and definitely not all completely invented by muddle-headed modern romantics..

“Some people say there’s no continuity with the Old Ways, as no records have survived, but what they don’t realise is that before the early 20th century it was just not written down. You see, the mystical truths have always been revealed over the eons by timeless spirits; through patterns in nature, through mushroom-fuelled visions and, more recently, through episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“But now we hear that these sacred stones, instead of being drenched in mystical spellbinding auras, are actually just covered with the fossilised semen of randy cavemen. I feel utterly ridiculous. My long flowing robe and home-made sickle seem a bit, well, sort of crap now.”

Pendragon looked miserable and added “You see this wreath? I made this with clippings from my neighbour Ralph’s laurel hedge. I was so proud of it this morning. Now it’s just a symbol of casual garden-theft. I suppose I’d better put my jeans back on.”

So saying, he trudged sadly back to his Vauxhall Astra.

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