NRA: ‘Assault rifles necessary to overthrow British Empire’

by philapilus
Light automatic Rifle Sturmgewehr 44 found in ...

The term ‘assault rifle’ is a translation of the German word ‘sturmgewehr’ (storm- rifle), coined by Adolf Hitler. Isn’t that nice?

The National Rifle Association has hit back at advocates of gun control, less than a week after the massacre of twenty children at Sandy Hook elementary school in Connecticut.

While some people saw the killings – carried out by an unhinged murderer with assault weaponry fom his mother’s private stash – as evidence of the need for new legislation, the NRA has stepped up its efforts to make ordinary Americans aware of the need for self defence.

President of the association, David Keene, said “What we need to keep sight of here is the absolute necessity of incredibly powerful and deadly weaponry in our ongoing struggle with the forces of British Imperialism.

“Too long have we been subject to tyrannical oppression from overseas. It is time for the peoples of these Northern American colonies to rise up and form a Union of States, to live under our own self-determination. The right to bear arms is an essential part of our struggle to become a new nation.”

The need for self-defence and the formation of local militias was further expounded upon by the NRA’s legal advisor, Dwayne Wayne Billy-Bob Tuckett, “I got me… um… one of them there assul’ rifles, an’ I ain’t ever goin’ lay it down, when there that… um… a bullfrog snarkle snarkle spittit?

“An’ me an’ mine gots to be able to… um… hooler tally whoop! Um, I tell you what, I shoots me a nigra an… um… y’all, I gots me a damn fine auto mobeel, got fo’ wheels an’ everythang. Dang it where’s my pig got to now? Cletus? Cletus!” 

Advocates of gun control, and of the making-it-slightly-harder-to-get-hold-of-military-grade-weaponry, have also come up against that time-honoured argument; massacres prove there should be more, not fewer, weapons around.

Almost all of the 4.3 million members of the NRA have signed a petition calling for ‘Every toddler to be given an M-16 for their third birthday and 500 rounds of ammunition, while every classroom should be endowed with a tripod-mounted GAU-8 gatling minigun’.

“The more firepower our children have, the safer they will be,” explained Keene, “studies show that at present most four year-olds don’t even know how to load an AK-47.”

He added “Also, assault weaponry is seriously fucking cool. I know some people like to shoot at those paper targets, trying to get a bullseye from a really long way away, and that’s fine. But personally I like to get up close to the target and obliterate it with hundreds of rounds in the shortest time possible. I really fucking hate paper.”

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