Entire resources of Metropolitan Police now devoted to “plebgate” investigation

by articulatedsheep

All police leave in London has been cancelled, along with all live investigations of murders, rapes, assaults and a wide range of other inquiries – including those into Jimmy Savile – to ensure that the truth around the infamous “plebgate” allegations can be discovered.

Future generations will conclude that we worshipped him as a god

Future generations will conclude that we worshipped him as a god

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe has been overseeing what has become the largest single piece of work undertaken at the Met since Operation Beat Up All The Darkies (which ran from 1953 to 1989), from a police helicopter hovering constantly over Downing Street.

“It’s vital that we get to the bottom of this,” said Hogan-Howe. “The suggestion that a police officer could lie – well, it’s too horrible to even contemplate, and undoubtedly the first time that it has happened in recorded history. It would be a dark day indeed for all of us in law enforcement.”

The Met are dividing what they have called “Operation Sisyphus” into three parallel lines of enquiry. The first, “Mitchell”, will look at every single thing that former Conservative Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell has said or done – building up a comprehensive picture of his entire life from birth. The second, “Mitchell and others”, will look at any personal interactions that Mitchell had with any other human being during that time. This particular part of the investigation will also focus on any instances where Mitchell was in close proximity with waterfowl – an aspect of the inquiry on which Scotland Yard have refused to comment further.

The third and final element, “Others”, aims to investigate every person who has seen Mitchell on the television, or read about him in the newspapers, to establish the “general culture” surrounding the initial allegations and the public’s response to them.

All three strands of the investigation will collectively involve detailed interviews with more than forty million people, and the viewing of over 480,000,000 hours of CCTV footage.

To ensure probity at all times, the officers conducting the investigation will themselves be interviewed as part of the “Others” part of the inquiry. This process will itself lead to further interviews of those interviewers, in what has been described as an “infinitely recursive feedback loop” of police work.

The investigation is expected to be complete by spring 2027, by which point thermonuclear war will have rendered the earth an irradiated wasteland, with the cumulative works of mankind a smouldering ruin and the dominant life-form thirty-foot high “land-crabs” with the faces of human babies. Spokesmen have described the Mitchell inquiry as “our single, lasting legacy to posterity – the one aspect of human life and culture which will survive the Armageddon, and therefore the solitary human artefact which most effectively sums us up as a society, as a culture and as a species.”

Other commentators have glumly agreed that this is probably the case.

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