21/12/12 apocalypse to be caused by Christmas lights

by philapilus
English: Christmas lights in Haughton, Staffor...

Sort of like the Sistine chapel

A study published this morning warns that the Mayan prediction of the ending of the world this Friday has been verified by scientific evidence, and will in fact be a direct result of Christmas decorative lighting.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Roundabout Institute for Apocalypse and Taxidermy Studies, said “What people don’t seem to realise is that the proliferation of absolute aesthetic horror that is the draping of houses with gaudy flashing lights, will in a matter of hours bring about the end of days.

“You know your neighbour, with the garden full of neon reindeer, a 12 foot glowing santa on her roof, and multi-coloured lights surrounding every window and flashing 24 hours a day for six weeks? Well thanks to her, you are utterly fucked, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can do.”

Professor McEyebrau’s study shows that it isn’t just the enormous waste of fuel resources, nor the likelihood of full-scale civil war as neighbour stabs neighbour over “That bloody wreath of yours, shining like a searchlight through my window at 4 in the fucking morning”.

The actual final straw will be the complete demolition of the human spirit through aesthetic depravity, which will see all of us regress to a basically animal state of savagery.

Within scarcely a few hours, the horrors of Christmas decorations will have wiped out half the world’s population, and by 5.30am Saturday, the last three humans will have strangled one another to death, lit only by the angry red beacon of Rudolph’s nose.” 

Peter Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, who is much posher than you, said “I am very surprised. I thought that what with our Harrods tree, with its pure white candle-lights, and the tasteful art-deco ornamentation that we had specially custom-made, we were well out of it.

“But no, apparently I am just as destined to face the Reaper’s scythe as some fearful oik who festoons every inch of his council flat with plastic fairy lights from Argos. And you know what’s really annoying? I bet he enjoyed his a lot more too, because mine are as cheerful as a slap in the face with a rotten cucumber.”

The newly appointed Minister for Christmas, Wendy Nailinthehead, said “As there’s nothing we can do about it now anyway, I suggest you all go and look at your Christmas trees, to cheer you up. Whilst having a long hard think about what you’ve done.”

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