‘Ikea is completely shite’ says monkey in sheepskin coat

by philapilus
English: Macaca sp. at Owl and Monkey Haven in...

“Christ, this bench is shit”

Darwin, the rhesus macaque who was seen wandering around a Toronto Ikea store wearing a sheepskin coat and nappy, has said that he really cannot see the appeal of the flatpack furniture giant.

Interviewed by Canada Monkey Monthly, Darwin said “Frankly the stuff they sell is horrible; ugly, made of tacky laminated chipboard, badly designed and liable to fall apart after a week. The store is utterly and completely shite.

“I walked round it for fucking ages, and all I saw were pissed off families, fixtures and fittings that appeared to have been made by blind children, and kitchen units that break just sitting on display in a shop. Quite how they would survive in a busy kitchen is beyond me.”

He added “I know everyone says ‘It’s so cheap’, but then; so is second-hand furniture. And you know what? It’s better made, and less of a massive waste of the planet’s very fucking finite resources.

“Also, if you go to a second-hand shop you can buy a wooden table, that’s basically perfectly fine. If you go to Ikea you buy something held togther by corrugated cardboard, with a stupid name like ‘Argenstromml’ or ‘Bummingleren’. And it won’t last as long.”

Ikea is no stranger to bad publicity, with a recent survey revealing that the vast majority of shoppers “really fucking hate it”.

But because of Darwin’s new-found fame, his castigation may hurt the company’s reputation more than the hundreds of ordinary slatings it receives on an hourly basis.

Pictures of the monkey were sent around the globe via social media yesterday, and seen by 93% of the world’s population, involving as they did a cute animal in people-clothes.

In several of the images, Darwin can be seen warning shoppers away, masturbating furiously, scratching his arse, and falling on his knees in thanksgiving when Ikea staff handed him over to an animal rescue team.

“Basically they said they were taking me to an animal shelter because I was so vulnerable,” said Darwin “but actually it was because I was smearing faeces over the sofas in disgust. If that shop fails to impress even me, a member of a basically furniture-indifferent species, with zero sofa or wardobe needs per se, then it is in serious fucking trouble.”

He thought for a minute and added “Or at least they would be. But luckily for them the world is peopled with morons.”

Advertisements
%d bloggers like this: