“Tis jus’ me magic fairy dust!” cries Dettori

by philapilus
A leprechaun counts his gold in this engraving...

it’s hardly surprising really: why else would jockeys go so quickly from happy to fighty to miserable?

Italian leprechaun and jockey Frankie Dettori said this morning that he is extremely upset about the six-month ban that French racing authorities have handed him.

Dettori tested positive for a banned substance in September, believed to be cocaine. But the three-time British champion refutes this charge, and insisted “No to be sure, twas me magic dust! Begorrah; we leprechauns all use it, otherwise how else would we get on something as big as a horse, begad?”

Jean Michel Jarre, spokesman for the stereotypically French racing authority, France Galop, said “Hawhehaw, zis little man, he has been – how you say in English? – taking ze piss, no? He is doing ze coke, and he expect us to believe it is ze pixie dust? Non! Pas de tout! Putain de merde!”

But pundit John McCririck said “Honestly, this is just the French picking on an excellent jockey, out of sheer jealousy. All the jockeys do coke, all the bloody time. Everyone in the sport does coke, everyone who rides a horse does coke! Princess Anne is the biggest coke baron in Europe!

“We even feed the horses oats laced with the white stuff. In fact, we give them so much that really it’s more like cocaine laced with oats.”

He snorted and added “Dettori is being singled out as a scapegoat. We’re all at it. Why, I snorted up a snowball-sized pile just fifteen minutes ago. Look at my fucking sideburns, for Christ’s sake. Does this face look normal to you?”

Dettori, who is already well into his hundreds, and thus old even by leprechaun standards, is thought to be concerned that the ban will end his career.

He said to reporters this morning “There’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for this little feller. Begad, if they aren’t bothering me like Irish wolfhounds!

“I even had this good-luck locket a gypsy woman gave me taken away, because they accused me of keeping cocaine in it. They’re always after me lucky charms.”

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