Queen told to fuck herself

by philapilus
Queen of United Kingdom (as well as Canada, Au...

Try not to automatically punch her in the kidneys and call her a vag-faced Aussie cockmaster

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was this morning repeatedly told to “Fuck off”, “Piss off” and generally “Go shag a corgi”, by everybody with whom she spoke on the telephone.

A source close to the ageing monarch let slip that the royal psychiatrist had been called to comfort her, after continual telephonic rebuffs and insults left her catatonic with shock.

In a rare move, Buckingham Palace issued a press statement about the Queen’s private conversations, explaining that “Since the hoax by two Australian radio presenters, who rang up the Duchess of Cambridge’s nurse posing as the Queen and Prince Philip, Her most gracious majesty has had terrible difficulty getting anyone to believe it is actually her speaking on the telephone.

“She has been continually berated, even by members of the royal family, who have variously told her to ‘Stop intruding in our lives you fucking scum impersonator’ or to ‘Go hang yourself from a tree you hoaxing bastard’.

“Worst of all several people said to her ‘We know you’re just an Australian’, which is what is thought to have sent her over the edge.”

Australian djs Mel Greig and Michael Christian, whose prank call would be the envy of British republicans throughout the commonwealth if they weren’t such complete dickheads, issued a statement saying “Strewth! We never thought there’d be so much fuss over impersonating a sheila, and an old Greek bruce. Don’t the pommies have any sense of fun?”

Their radio station, 2Day FM tried to explain the broadcast, saying “Prank-calling may have been something that stopped being funny in the UK in about 1993, but over here it’s cutting edge, brainy comedy.

“Take that away and all we’ve got is a man putting a possum in his pants, or jokes about how Abos look like they’ve been washing in the dunny after someone’s done a ginormous shit. Please don’t prevent us from joining the ranks of cultured nations.”

The UK government was quick to condemn prank calls in general, and said that something or other about the Leveson report was extremely pertinent here, and just as soon as any of them got round to reading it, they would be sure to let us know what it was.

Meanwhile Buckingham Palace have asked everyone who receives a call ostensibly fom the Queen to please be respectful, and kneel in supplication before the telephone, even if the caller has a very strong Aussie accent.

Rolf Harris, who is Australian but knows the Queen, and is therefore an obvious, if lazy, choice to get a quote from, said “I honestly don’t know which side to come down on. Can’t we just say absolutely everyone involved in this story is a total cunt?” Allegedly.

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