Balls and Osborne in ‘Out-twatting’ draw

by philapilus
Ed Balls

not to be out-twatted…

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne and shadow chancellor Ed Balls finished neck-and-neck in yesterday’s smackdown battle for the coveted ‘total twat’ title.

‘Twatting’, or ‘Out-twatting’ as it is also sometimes known, has a long history within the hallowed halls of Westminster, and is central to parliamentary democratic debate.

According to time-honoured tradition, the process begins when, after having accused one another of doing exactly the same thing, a government minister and his or her opposite number, take turns at the dispatch box to call one another ‘twat’ as many times as they possibly can.

During the Chancellor’s autumn statement Osborne and Balls blamed one another for the state of the economy, and having reached what is known in the Commons as a ‘Westminster Standoff’, the twatting began.

Osborne, as the minister, began, calling Balls “A twat, a total twat, a twatty twatface, and a twattish twat of epic proportions” which received applause and cheers from the tories.

Balls stood up to reply, but made a poor start, as he was hampered by his stammer “Tw-tw-t-t-t-twa-twa-twa…” he began, and was almost drowned out by tory jeers.

However, rising to the challenge, he came back strongly saying “You twat, you total and utter twat, twatting twattered twat-twatting twatsucker twat” drawing cheers from the labour ranks.

Both men continued trading ‘twats’ for some eight minutes, until Osborne made the fatal mistake of saying “Ed Balls, you are a cunt”, at which point the speaker called for order, and had to reprimand the chancellor, and remind him that within the rules of twatting, ‘cunt’ was out of bounds, and was not correct terminology according to the protocol of the House.

Observers were certain this would open the way for Balls to take the upper hand. But after shaking his head slowly, and with magnificent venom delivering the withering line “You TWAT Osborne!” Balls immediately lost this advantage by saying “What are you George? I’m a twat” instead of “What are you George? You’re a twat.”

At which point the conservative benches erupted in howls of derisory laughter.

With Osborne losing a ‘twat’ for incorrect Parliamentary language, and Balls stymied by an ‘own-twat’, the speaker declared that neither man was out-twatted, or more accurately, they were both out-twatted, and therefore the result was a draw.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Chipshop Institute for Parliamentary Studies, said “This won’t go down as one of the all-time greats. It’s not a patch on Harold Wilson and Ted Heath January ’74, when they managed to call one another twats 543 times in one sitting.

“Nor can it compare to the unprecedented same-side out-twatting that took place between Brown and Blair. But, you know, it passed the time. And if I wasn’t doing this I would probably just be wanking into a bowl of cereal.

“So it’s swings and roundabouts.”

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