Archive for December, 2012

December 21, 2012

Druids face embarrassment over Stonehenge revelations

by philapilus

You put the long hard one into the hole and something magical happens

As the traditional crowds gather at Stonehenge today for the celebration of the winter solstice, newly unearthed archaeological evidence threatens to make the Druids look a bit silly.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Public Lavatories Instititute for Archaeology and Utter Balls, said “A series of inscribed stone tablets were discovered, along leylines leading into Stonehenge. Initially we thought the ancient pictograms might give insights into the strange beliefs of pre-historic man.

“But after careful analysis, we can confirm that in fact these are makeshift signposts, directing passersby to what we have now come to understand was the country’s most popular dogging spot.”

He sighed, and

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December 21, 2012

BBC Chiefs knew about Savile’s Portal to evil dimension

by philapilus
Gordon Brown and Sir Jimmy Savile

Later on, of course, this photo showing him publically associating with the most reviled man in the country was to cause him acute embarrassment – but then he was a paedophile, so who cares how he felt?

It has been revealed that top BBC executives had known for some years about Jimmy Savile’s secret doorway to the Realm of Mephistopheles, one of the five known dimensions of hell.

Former Director-General, George Entwhistle, admitted yesterday that Savile had a small hole in one of his elbows, through which he could communicate with the demon lord, K’rrgkwkwizzlfg.

Operation Yewtree officers announced this morning “A key witness has confirmed that within the higher echelons of the BBC, Savile’s calling forth of unholy demons was considered ‘an embarrassing pecadillo which we were advised to ignore, and to cover up wherever possible’.”

It is now understood that

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December 20, 2012

Entire resources of Metropolitan Police now devoted to “plebgate” investigation

by articulatedsheep

All police leave in London has been cancelled, along with all live investigations of murders, rapes, assaults and a wide range of other inquiries – including those into Jimmy Savile – to ensure that the truth around the infamous “plebgate” allegations can be discovered.

Future generations will conclude that we worshipped him as a god

Future generations will conclude that we worshipped him as a god

Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe has been overseeing what has become the largest single piece of work undertaken at the Met since Operation Beat Up All The Darkies (which ran from 1953 to 1989), from a police helicopter hovering constantly over Downing Street.

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December 20, 2012

Queen’s Christmas message filmed in 3D for the first time

by articulatedsheep

It has been revealed that the Queen’s Christmas message – the traditional address given by the monarch and her predecessors for more than 80 years – has this year been filmed in 3D.

"Philip, is it just me or is this really shit?"

“Philip, is it just me or is this really shit?”

The broadcast begins with the Queen saying, “I hope you mothers have got your stupid glasses on – because this shit is going to be one wild ride.”

Palace spokesmen have been tight-lipped on the detail of what follows, although it has been rumoured that the ten-minute address will end with the Queen doing the horse dance from Gangnam Style. Korean pop sensation Psy has been a regular visitor to Buckingham Palace over the past two months, and it is believed that he has been giving Her Majesty intensive lessons.

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December 20, 2012

21/12/12 apocalypse to be caused by Christmas lights

by philapilus
English: Christmas lights in Haughton, Staffor...

Sort of like the Sistine chapel

A study published this morning warns that the Mayan prediction of the ending of the world this Friday has been verified by scientific evidence, and will in fact be a direct result of Christmas decorative lighting.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Roundabout Institute for Apocalypse and Taxidermy Studies, said “What people don’t seem to realise is that the proliferation of absolute aesthetic horror that is the draping of houses with gaudy flashing lights, will in a matter of hours bring about the end of days.

“You know your neighbour, with the garden full of neon reindeer, a 12 foot glowing santa on her roof, and multi-coloured lights surrounding every window and flashing 24 hours a day for six weeks? Well thanks to her, you are utterly fucked, and there’s not a goddamn thing you can

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December 20, 2012

NRA: ‘Assault rifles necessary to overthrow British Empire’

by philapilus
Light automatic Rifle Sturmgewehr 44 found in ...

The term ‘assault rifle’ is a translation of the German word ‘sturmgewehr’ (storm- rifle), coined by Adolf Hitler. Isn’t that nice?

The National Rifle Association has hit back at advocates of gun control, less than a week after the massacre of twenty children at Sandy Hook elementary school in Connecticut.

While some people saw the killings – carried out by an unhinged murderer with assault weaponry fom his mother’s private stash – as evidence of the need for new legislation, the NRA has stepped up its efforts to make ordinary Americans aware of the need for self defence.

President of the association, David Keene, said “What we need to keep sight of here is the absolute necessity of incredibly powerful and deadly weaponry in our ongoing struggle with the forces of British Imperialism.

“Too long have we been subject to tyrannical oppression from overseas. It is time for the peoples of these Northern American colonies to rise up and form

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December 18, 2012

Queen to go on OAP ‘work outing’

by philapilus
Photograph of Queen Elizabeth II with Prime Mi...

It’s also been suggested her Maj could revisit her earlier, brief career, moonlighting as a high-class escort

Queen Elizabeth II will today take part in a new trial scheme which the government is hoping will help the elderly back into work.

At a time when the economic crisis has left many older people destitute, with pensions worth less than the cost of living, George Osborne has outlined a plan that will see them returning to the workforce on a part-time basis, to help pay the costs of their bills and care.

The Queen’s equerry, Sir Peter Fanshawe-Haines-Haines, said “Her Most Gracious Majesty, as sovereign ruler of these temperate isles, will be going in to a cabinet meeting this afternoon, as part of the chancellor’s pilot scheme of ‘OAP work outings’.

“As I understand it

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December 18, 2012

Clegg celebrates 5 years as leader by attending Cabinet meeting

by articulatedsheep

Nick Clegg has celebrated his Wooden Jubilee as Lib Dem leader by being invited to attend a Cabinet meeting.

Define "pledge"

Define “pledge”

The Prime Minister has taken the unusual step of inviting Mr. Clegg to sit in on the meeting as part of the national celebrations to mark his Jubilee, which have been running throughout 2012.

Constitutional historian Johnny Rotten told TMB, “A Liberal leader has not attended Cabinet since Queen Victoria’s day, but I understand that the Prime Minister has thought it would be a nice touch, and a symbol of recognition of the great admiration in which he is held by so many in the country.”

In line with convention, while Mr. Clegg will be observing the whole meeting, he will not be able to make any contributions to it. Despite his figurehead status, Mr. Clegg does retain some constitutional

role in Government – for example, in 2010 he formally appointed David Cameron as Prime Minister – but in the modern era he is expected to stay out of Government decision-making.

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December 14, 2012

Music fans “disappointed” by foiled Bieber murder plot

by philapilus
English: Justin Bieber performing "Favori...

“Couldn’t the cops have at least let them cut his balls off first, then arrested them?”

Music-lovers around the world were today coming to terms with the news that the US police foiled a plan to kidnap and kill Justin Bieber.

The plot, allegedly hatched by a jailed murderer Dana Martin, involved castrating and then killing two other men, unrelated to Bieber, and then moving on to the singer.

Martin’s accomplices however managed to get lost on the way to New York and found themselves in Canada, which unemployed criminal psychologist Tim Twanks described as “Clear evidence the men were susceptible to the ‘fuckwit syndrome’.”

Though the singer was unavailable for comment, Bieber’s manager, Dick Cheese, said

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December 12, 2012

News Briefs

by unpseudable

Paul McCartney to annihilate Nirvana

As reported by TMB earlier, Paul McCartney’s ongoing scheme to cruelly destroy people’s fond memories of the Beatles unfortunately looks set today to take out Nirvana as collateral damage.  Furthermore, given that the gig in question is for the victims of hurricane Sandy, some have seen this move as a massive piss take of them as well.

Whilst Nirvana’s critical and popular breakthrough came in the early 1990s, bringing grunge music to a massive audience, Paul McCartney was embarking on his critically panned foray into orchestral music.  However, music critics considered this work an “improvement” on the fucking Frog Chorus.

Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic

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