Osborne: “shit Christmas necessary for Britain”

by philapilus
English: Santa Claus in Sanok, Poland Polski: ...

“Now I’m going to teach you how to slaughter them for food”

George Osborne announced today that the coalition government had taken firm but fair – and very necessary – steps towards ensuring that your Christmas is just absolutely horrible.

The chancellor said “As part of the ongoing drastic cuts in public spending which, have as yet completely failed to fix the economy, we have decided that Christmas will have to be reduced by at least twenty to twenty-five per cent.

“The figure was going to be even higher, but the unbelievably dreadful weather that ruined some people’s houses and made transport absolutely miserable for everybody else, nicely removed a small residual amount of goodwill which we had as yet been unable to dispel.”

He added “We promise that this Christmas will be your toughest yet – and all you elderly people who go on about how much tougher things were when you were kids: just wait till you see your fucking gas bill.”

Because of the lack of money to buy presents and the lack of shops still in business from which to buy them, Christmas celebrants will this year also be forced to make their purchases (paltry though they will be) through Amazon.co.uk. The company has pledged to amend its confirmation-of-purchase email to include a picture of the board of directors sharing a hearty Christmas laugh whilst looking at their UK tax statement.

They have also promised that nothing will arrive until at least five days after Christmas, and if anything accidentally threatens to come on time, your postman will either leave it at the sorting office rather than go to the hassle of knocking at your door, or steal it and swear blind it was actually delivered.

Other things guaranteed to spoil Christmas include:

  • spending time with the family
  • the complete collapse of the BBC (meaning every single thing you watch over the holidays will be interrupted by adverts every ninety seconds)
  • Downton fucking Abbey
  • a lack of any festive mirth or gifts, due to the recession having bankrupted Santa Claus
  • a new Cliff Richard Christmas song
  • all the old Cliff Richard Christmas songs
  • a complete absence of socks from your nan, the one fucking year you are poor and cold enough to have needed them

Foreign Secretary William Hague said “We must all do our bit to make this a total miserable fuck-upfest. I for one am trying to ignite Arab-Israeli war, by threatening to abstain from a vote that might make things less utterly one-sided in the Gaza conflict.

“Merry Christmas everybody.”

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