Pope’s outlandish claims about Jesus

by unpseudable

In the week the Church of England failed to drag itself vaguely into the 20th Century, the Roman Catholic Church appears to have pounced on the opportunity to look cutting edge and contentious.  Pope Benedict makes the incendiary claim in a new book that Jesus was actually born earlier than previously thought, going as far as to say, “several years before”.

Definitely not an accurate nativity scene

Getting the taste for controversy the Pope continues: “And furthermore, I say, there were no oxen, donkeys or other animals present at Jesus’ birth.  I know, I know – your mind is literally blowing right now, isn’t it?  I actually read the Bible the other day, the gospels, yeah?  There are no animals referred to at all in any of the nativity scenes.  None.  I am not shitting you.  I should have read the thing years ago.”

These revelations have shaken the Catholic world, and the wider Christian church.  Being nearby at the time, the outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, not one generally known for employing extreme sarcasm, responded, saying, “He said what?  Oh, I’ve never heard that before, what a biiiiig surprise.”

Meanwhile, Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, said, “Oh, so the “Archbishop” of Canterbury – a Protestant I might add – suggests that this information has been doing the rounds for years, does he?  Well, that’s as maybe, but if the Pope said it, well it’s like actual confirmation, isn’t it?  I mean, any old nutter can just say such and such about Jesus, about how they know all sorts of things about him, and about just what God’s like, and what people should do and not do, and… I’m sorry, what was I saying?”

These revelations may have the potential to sound the death knell for the industry of creating ideas about God.  Theologian Eric Flap, says, “Well, of course the number of ideas being manufactured about God has certainly decreased sharply over the last few decades.  Nowadays, we theologians find it hard to get buyers for more than just maybe a few ideas a month, with most of the demand coming from smaller and more batshit-mad factions.  But this probably spells the end of it all. People will probably just start reading the Bible.  If they actually did that, it shouldn’t take them too long to find out that it’s pretty fucking ridiculous even to claim to take it literally, much less live your life on the basis of a particularly outmoded interpretation of just one or two passages in it.  Won’t it?”

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