“God prefers willies” says Church of England

by philapilus
English: Rowan D. Williams, Archbishop of Cant...

“I’m not saying its massive, but at least it dangles, and that’s all God cares about”

In the wake of the General Synod’s vote yesterday, which saw the CofE reject proposals to allow women bishops, a statement was released this morning claiming that, generally speaking, God Almighty is much more into dicks than fanny.

The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, and Justin Welby who will succeed him at the end of his term, co-authored a letter to the Times in which they explained that “Before the vote the Church engaged in long and deep prayer sessions, asking that the will of God be revealed through the voting of his followers.

“Clearly therefore, it was His holy guidance which led us to decide that women aren’t as good at stuff like wearing dresses and talking loudly in public.”

The letter continues “On the whole, God is much keener on tadgers than twats, and if He can, in His infinite wisdom, have His servants sporting a nice old hairy pair of conkers, that’s just more his cup of tea.”

Women’s rights groups, and feminists throughout the church now face a long wait of several years before the issue can be voted on again, causing widespread disappointment and frustration.

“I really don’t understand,” said Reverend Mary Contrary “I have always wanted to be a bishop. I even offered to wear a fake beard and talk in a low voice. But apparently, unless I have a trouser-snake, God just doesn’t care.”

But opponents of the equality measure were delighted. Bishop Jack Horner said “This is excellent news. Even now my tumescent member is swelling with pride. When I was at school none of the girls talked to me, and one time a teacher smacked me round the back of the head when I tried to sneak into the female toilets.

“I never had a girlfriend, and once after I broke my leg I had to be sponge-bathed in hospital, and a nurse laughed at the size of my johnson. Well, women; now it’s payback time.”

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