Day of National Mourning declared, as Dorries returns to UK

by philapilus
English: Wacky witch flying her broom.

Nadine will be flying back from Australia

Nadine Dorries is the first contestant to have been voted off the godawful jungle-based reality TV show, ‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me out of Here’, resulting in reports of mass grief across the nation.

The coalition government has announced that a day of mourning will take place, with a dedicated hour of silence, before ‘Mad Bad Sad Nad’ returns and starts sqwawking again.

The controversial Tory MP said she wanted to go on the show to raise people’s awareness about important issues, claiming that politicians needed to be in the public eye, and since the public eye was on Z-list celebrity programmes, that was where she needed to be.

“It was not,” said a spokesperson for Dorries, “In any sense a freebie holiday during the time when she is meant to be representing a constituency and taking part in the government of the UK, or anything like that.”

Dorries had said she was going to be using the show as a platfom to speak about things she felt passionately about.

“But unfortunately” said presenter Ant and/or Dec, “The public felt more passionate about getting Nadine Dorries the fuck off of television asap.

“If only they’d thought it through, and realised that this meant she would be back In England sooner. It was a lose-lose situation.”

Ratings for the show apparently plummetted during her stay, with viewing figures restricted to people who were on mental health wards where they weren’t allowed to change the TV channel.

Dorries defended her decision to appear, saying that she hadn’t had any time off during the Parliamentary period in her entire career as an MP. Apart from the seven-week summer recess, obviously. And the Christmas recess. And the Easter Recess. And all the half-term holidays. And all the public holidays, naturally.

But apart from all those, she insisted she had worked very hard indeed.

Dorries – who has reportedly consistently argued for the execution of unwed mothers and their bastard children, the castration of the poor, and the creation of a force to hunt down and destroy anyone not a member of the CP (as the conservative party is colloquially known) – was not missed by her colleagues.

“While she was away, it was like a holiday atmosphere,” said Eric Pickles. “At PMQs last week, Miliband and Cameron were in such high spirits that they had a cuddle and decided to go out for a drink together after work. But soon she will be back, and once more the evil will seep into our very souls.”

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