John Lewis ad proves UK is ready for apocalypse

by philapilus
English: Snowman

It doesn’t need your money, you stupid bastards; it just wants to live in your freezer

The nation’s tearful response to the John Lewis Christmas advert has proved conclusively that levels of emotional intelligence in Britain have plummeted below the ‘safe’ mark, and the only way forward is to destroy the country, according to a new study.

The Slough Recycling Centre’s Institute for Apocalypse Predictions, today presented its findings in a 300 page report, heavily recommending the unleashing of biologically engineered plague to wipe the slate clean.

Author of the Report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “This advert is essentially a very short programme in which one inanimate pile of frozen water is depicted in a series of tableaux, supposedly going to a shop to buy unnecessary garments for another inanimate pile of frozen water.

“Frozen water has no requirements, so far as we know, apart from perhaps very strong sunblock, and certainly does not have the wherewithal to engage in financial transactions of any kind. Therefore the underlying message is presumably ‘Go to physically impossible lengths to give us your money for stuff you don’t need’.

“I don’t mean to romanticise the past, but in bygone eras if a large profitable business asked for cash without giving you anything of value in return, you tended to tell them to fuck off.

“Nowadays it seems the appropriate response is to weep like a child and give them as much money as you can possibly raise, even if it means selling your house and family.”

The report focuses on the fact that the British are emotionally susceptible now to even incredibly simplistic manipulation, and are therefore a danger to themselves and the rest of the world.

McEyebrau elaborated “What if someone got hold of a rabbit, went into the stock exchange and said ‘Look at the bunny; isn’t it cute? Now give me all the money in the world’?”

“Britain would have no choice but to comply, and the whole world’s economy would be fucked.”

He hesitated, and added “Well, more fucked.”

Other factors considered in the report include the ongoing ‘Paedogate’ scandal, and the existence of Lidl. The report also states that “The serious possibility of Boris Johnson becoming Prime Minister  should have been enough in and of itself, but the John Lewis ad clinches it.”

Newsnight attempted to make a feature on the report’s evidence, but then had to fire everyone working on the programme, in case anyone said anything at all that might or might not be true or false or believed or disbelieved by anybody living or dead.

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