Abu Qatada release triggers Daily Mail aneurysm

by philapilus
Saint George's cross (a red cross on a white b...

Even its spattered blood lands in jingoistic patterns…

As radical cleric Abu Qatada was released from prison today, the big vein that throbs in the forehead of the Daily Mail when it gets all angry about stuff finally popped.

The newspaper, which has suffered high blood pressure and anger-management issues for many years, was having a leisurely brunch at its favourite cafe, ‘George’s English Brekkie’, when it glanced up and saw news of Qatada’s release on the TV.

Cafe-owner George said “The Daily Mail has been comin’ here for years. One of me best customers, I reckon. Always has a good word, always says ‘I bloody love it here George, none of them bloody sweating Turks or Poles, just good old English fry-up’.

“Anyway, so the news comes on, and they do the bit about the rag-head getting out of prison, and the old Daily Mail fumes and goes purple in the face, and we thought ‘ere we go, another of those famous frothing fits we all enjoy so much.

“But instead, suddenly this big vein bursts, and there’s blood everywhere, all over the front page, and all over me tablecloth an’ all. Looked jus’ like the day the out-of-date ketchup exploded.”

Paramedics were called to the scene, and the Daily Mail was rushed to a nearby hospital, where it was taken into intensive care. Doctors confirmed this afternoon that the newspaper had suffered a simultaneous aneurysm, stroke and heart attack.

In a specially constructed recovery room, surrounded by pictures of green and pleasant fields, with Elgar playing softly in the background, and seriously smacked up on prescription drugs, the Daily Mail’s condition is described as ‘extremely severe’.

Printer Dick Splash said “I don’t know what to do! Tomorrow’s edition is just basically a soppy mush of blood-soaked pages. I reckon the paperboys will have to dish it out with a ladle. God, can you imagine? You wake up in the morning, go to open the door, and Splat, the paperboy unceremoniously dumps a fetid pile of rancorous, blood and bile-drenched pulp on your welcome mat…”

He looked thoughtful for a moment, and then said “Actually, I guess most people probably won’t notice the difference, so it might be ok.”

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