Archive for November, 2012

November 30, 2012

Lord Justice Leveson’s diary

by philapilus
English: Weekly Homework Chart

“I didn’t even bother filling it in, let alone doing the bloody work”


Woke up, badly hungover, Bloody good night last night, must remember that club. Note to self: ask someone who wasn’t trashed where I went.

Suddenly realised, oh fuck, hadn’t done the report.

Always the same, when you have a deadline you just sort of leave stuff later and later, keep thinking ‘oh i’ll do it nearer the time’. Stupid.  Bit of a panic, threw up and had the sweats. Could have been the hangover though.

Considered my options: 1) see Cammers and come clean, 2) see Cammers and tell him the dog ate it, 3) see if any of the other Lord Justices in my form wrote one I can copy that’s sort of similar, 4) leave the country, 5) try and wing it.

Opted for latter. Bloody hard to do in a day though. Grabbed my

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November 28, 2012

Osborne: “shit Christmas necessary for Britain”

by philapilus
English: Santa Claus in Sanok, Poland Polski: ...

“Now I’m going to teach you how to slaughter them for food”

George Osborne announced today that the coalition government had taken firm but fair – and very necessary – steps towards ensuring that your Christmas is just absolutely horrible.

The chancellor said “As part of the ongoing drastic cuts in public spending which, have as yet completely failed to fix the economy, we have decided that Christmas will have to be reduced by at least twenty to twenty-five per cent.

“The figure was going to be even higher, but the unbelievably dreadful weather that ruined some people’s houses and made transport absolutely miserable for everybody else, nicely removed a small residual amount of goodwill which we had as yet been unable to dispel.”

He added “We promise that

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November 27, 2012

Boris tipped to win Sports Personality of the year

by philapilus
English: Mayor of London, Boris Johnson poses ...

His achievements have been called “Impossible to measure”

In what is widely considered to be the bestest ever year for UK sport, bookies have chosen their favourite from the rather long shortlist for the BBC Sports Personality of the Year award .

Boris Johnson, who has managed to become King-in-waiting from spectacularly doing nothing at all, has emerged as the top tip to win the coveted accolade.

A spokesman for the panel of shortlist selectors said “Whilst a lot of these people – Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah, Bradley Wiggins etc – have all done quite well in various running-jumping-exercisey sort of things, one name sticks out as being responsible for every good thing that has happened in Britain this year; Boris.

“Look at the way he

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November 23, 2012

Cameron suffers complete breakdown

by philapilus
English: London

Cold, hard, unyielding and unpleasantly metallic-tasting, David Cameron has sometimes been likened to a pompous bronze statue, which makes his climbing of one somewhat ironic

It has been revealed that the man who climbed a statue in Whitehall this afternoon and removed all his clothes was in fact the prime minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, David Cameron.

Police were called at midday when tourists spotted an unknown man climbing onto a statue of Prince George, the Duke of Cambridge, outside the Ministry of Defence.

A large section of Whitehall was cordoned off as he took off his clothes, broke a piece of the statue and then waved his arms about maniacally. Elite Met officers who have special ‘how to cope with male nudity’ training approached him, and eventually

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November 23, 2012

Lord Freud to fire bullets at paupers’ feet, shouting “Dance! Dance for me!”

by philapilus
English: American layout roulette wheel.

Like this, but oh so much more interesting

A senior conservative has today lambasted the poor for being utterly boring, and called for urgent measures which would see welfare recipients facing life-or-death scenarios on a daily basis.

Lord Freud, who is working on a radical overhaul of the UK benefits system, said that those on welfare needed to take far greater risks, because at the moment: “Hearing about their stupid problems is just sending me to sleep.”

The Tory peer elaborated: “What I would like to see is a totally restructured system for allocating welfare payments, based on an absolutely enormous roulette wheel, on which every claimant has to have a turn. It would have about five hundred little slots, only one of which would allow them to receive a

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November 22, 2012

Pope’s outlandish claims about Jesus

by unpseudable

In the week the Church of England failed to drag itself vaguely into the 20th Century, the Roman Catholic Church appears to have pounced on the opportunity to look cutting edge and contentious.  Pope Benedict makes the incendiary claim in a new book that Jesus was actually born earlier than previously thought, going as far as to say, “several years before”.

Definitely not an accurate nativity scene

Getting the taste for controversy the Pope continues: “And furthermore, I say, there were no oxen, donkeys or other animals present at Jesus’ birth.  I know, I know – your mind is literally blowing right now, isn’t it?  I actually read the Bible the other day, the gospels, yeah?  There are no animals referred to at all in any of the nativity scenes.  None.  I am not shitting you.  I should have read the thing years ago.”

These revelations have shaken the Catholic world, and the wider Christian church.  Being nearby at the time, the outgoing Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams, not one generally known for employing extreme sarcasm, responded, saying, “He said what?  Oh, I’ve never heard that before, what a biiiiig surprise.”

Meanwhile, Archbishop of Westminster, Vincent Nichols, said,

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November 22, 2012

Day of National Mourning declared, as Dorries returns to UK

by philapilus
English: Wacky witch flying her broom.

Nadine will be flying back from Australia

Nadine Dorries is the first contestant to have been voted off the godawful jungle-based reality TV show, ‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me out of Here’, resulting in reports of mass grief across the nation.

The coalition government has announced that a day of mourning will take place, with a dedicated hour of silence, before ‘Mad Bad Sad Nad’ returns and starts sqwawking again.

The controversial Tory MP said she wanted to go on the show to raise people’s awareness about important issues, claiming that politicians needed to be in the public eye, and since the public eye was on Z-list celebrity programmes, that was where she needed to be.

“It was not,” said a

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November 22, 2012

“God prefers willies” says Church of England

by philapilus
English: Rowan D. Williams, Archbishop of Cant...

“I’m not saying its massive, but at least it dangles, and that’s all God cares about”

In the wake of the General Synod’s vote yesterday, which saw the CofE reject proposals to allow women bishops, a statement was released this morning claiming that, generally speaking, God Almighty is much more into dicks than fanny.

The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, and Justin Welby who will succeed him at the end of his term, co-authored a letter to the Times in which they explained that “Before the vote the Church engaged in long and deep prayer sessions, asking that the will of God be revealed through the voting of his followers.

“Clearly therefore, it was His holy guidance which led us to decide that women aren’t as good at stuff like wearing dresses and talking loudly in public.”

The letter continues “On the whole, God is

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November 20, 2012

Oil company furious to discover Peter Lilley is an MP

by philapilus
Global warming ubx

“Global warming is sheer balls; the Earth has ALWAYS had this purplish glow”

The board of Tethys Petroleum was outraged today to discover that Peter Lilley, the company’s Vice Chairman and Senior Independent Non-Executive Director, moonlights as a Conservative MP.

Worse still, he has recently been appointed to sit on the House of Commons Select Committee on Climate Change, which Tethys have branded “An outright conflict of interests”.

A spokesperson said “Frankly Tethys believes that Lilley’s credentials as a sceptic of the climate change claptrap are seriously undermined by the fact that he is being paid a salary to be an MP. How can his judgement not be affected when he receives money to sit on a committee actively involved in investigating this

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