Romney in surprise Obama endorsement

by articulatedsheep

Less than a week before the date of the US election, Republican candidate Mitt Romney has raised eyebrows by offering a full endorsement for his opponent, President Obama.

“Let me be clear about this,” said Mr. Romney, appearing in front of a crowd of crazed gun enthusiasts high on PCP, and flanked by his eleven identical sons Pulk, Tarp, Rudd, Gimp, Gulp, Waft, Dimp, Trank, Blomp, Blump and Saddam, “There is only one man who can help America to heal its wounds, to maintain its place on the world stage, and to get big government off the back of our hard-working families.”

“That person sure as hell isn’t me. My only claim to fame is having organised one of the Winter Olympics. Me being President would be like Seb Coe being British Prime Minister. I mean, Seb fucking Coe!”

“In all seriousness, the only person who can really turn this country around is President Barack Obama, and I am happy to endorse him to be re-elected as the President of the United States of America.”

The Democrats have been quick to capitalise on Romney’s gaffe, screening an attack ad in key swing states that casts doubt on Obama’s record as president.  The ad begins, “Mitt Romney wants Barack Obama to be President, because he wants you to think that he’s just like you. But what would Romney really have to gain from four more years of Obama? More costly foreign wars, and more spending on Capitol Hill Democrat-sponsored boondoggles for Romney and his cronies to profit from. On November 2, vote Barack Obama for President. No, wait. What?”

Ordinary voters have been unsettled by the news. “I was going to vote Obama all the way,” said mother of three Hortense Archetype of Yew Bend, Ohio. “But I really can’t stand Romney, and this endorsement has got me rattled. What’s in it for Romney if Obama gets re-elected? Now, I’m not so sure. I’m not voting for anyone who gets Romney’s endorsement. I think I might have to vote for Romney instead. No. What? My head hurts.”

Romney’s tactic is known as the “Nixon nix” by Beltway commentators, after Richard Nixon’s successful campaign in 1972, which saw the incumbent President appearing at Democratic meetings as a strong advocate for his opponent and his opponent’s policies. On that occasion, the electorate was so massively confused that they re-elected him with a massive landslide.

However, most observers believe that Nixon’s tactics owed themselves to him being a diabolical, macchiavellian little shit, and that Romney simply became disorientated after eating a bowl of ice cream too fast immediately before his speech.

The contest to see who will be the next leader of the free world will be decided on Thursday by approximately 1,500 people living in key states, many of whom remain firmly convinced that Obama is a Muslim. TMB hopes you’re all looking forward to it.

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