Prime Minister: “We must battle against the forces of reaction”

by articulatedsheep

Speaking to the annual meeting of the Party Praesidium in Birmingham, David Cameron has pledged to continue with his dramatic package of public sector reforms.

“Comrades,” he said, speaking from a podium bedecked by a massive forest of flowers, and standing in front of six rows of raked seating containing a range of nonagenarian heroes of the Party, “make no mistake. If we do not pursue continuous revolution, then the forces of reaction and counter-revolution will have won.”

“We all remember what life was like under Brown. Long queues for basic food, people gunned down in the street by the secret police, overly-centralised area-based accounting procedures for second-tier local authorities. No longer. But we cannot be complacent.”

“You don’t want Brown back, do you, comrades?”

Cameron went on to list the many achievements of the Party in the past two years – tractor production up over 370%, a fourfold increase in manufacture of boots and continual increases in the chocolate ration cited as “particular successes, owed entirely to the Stakhanovite labours of our comrades in the glorious private sector”.

The Prime Minister also reminded delegates of his many successes on the international stage, such as his courageous veto of a European treaty, whose other parties just went ahead and signed anyway and which will, notwithstanding, still affect Britain.

“Under Labour,” Mr. Cameron warned, “the wealth creators of this country would still be labouring under the yoke of a moneyed elite of benefit claimants and fattened public sector workers, some on sinecures of more than £17,000 a year for doing little more than working 48 hour weeks wiping pensioners’ arses. But since the revolution, Comrades Gove, Duncan-Smith, Hague and I have been working hard to wrest the means of production from these modern-day kulaks, and placing it where it belongs – close to the breast of our schoolfriends and the directors of FTSE 100 companies.”

“But comrades!” he exclaimed, following the dying-down of a ninety five minute standing ovation, “We must be forever vigilant. The risk of decline and economic collapse is still at hand. The forces of counter-revolution remain strong, waiting for a moment’s weakness. We must be ruthless and attack with an iron fist those proponents of deficit-denialists and those lackeys of backward-looking Ballsist-Milibandism.”

It is believed that the speech may herald another batch of purges, following Cameron’s declaration of various former ministers as “enemies of the state” and “non-persons” in the recent reshuffle. In particular, it is understood that Boris Johnson will shortly be discovered in Mexico having suffered from an unfortunate ice-pick related head-stabbing accident.

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