“We all know wheelchair jousting would be bloody hilarious” says Mayor of London

by philapilus
Boris-johnson

A discombobulated mayor; Johnson discovered this morning to his horror that the Paralympic Games were not going to be anything like Robot Wars, and furthermore that he still has to attend.

Boris Johnson has today qualified his remarks about Paralympic basketball, in a statement which has only added to the ire of campaigners for disability awareness.

Johnson had previously said that basketball in wheelchairs was “So much better than the usual, you know, the other – the, oh what’s it called, you know the able-bodied sort. The main thing, or one of the main things, that makes the Paralympics one so good is how violent it all is, lots of bloody good smashing of metal on flesh, and cracking of bones. Good solid stuff. More like rugger. But with robots.”

But after receiving heavy criticism, the Mayor today attempted to play down the earlier comment, saying “Look here, the whole thing, um, the key thing, or one of the things that the Paralympics does is that – well, all these chaps are so brave, not just chaps, obviously not just chaps, but the, you know, the ladies as well. They are all terribly brave.

“And that’s good, but also you see, the disabled games are much more, well, they’re more sort of, well, entertaining in a…in a…in a way. I mean, they draw not just your typical crowd of sportsfans, but also, you know, fans of the circus. If you…if you get a couple of midgets with half their legs off trying to stay afloat in an Olympic swimming pool,well that’s – that’s just bloody amusing by anyone’s standards, right?”

Ignoring the frantic hand-signals of an aide, Johnson went on “All I meant was that what I like best is watching the funny little ones in the wheelchair, you know, with the big muscly arms and the silly little doll-legs, and when they crash into each other – well, that’s better than bloody basketball. I mean, I haven’t suggested this to anyone yet, but personally I wondered if we could sort of, well, somehow do away with the whole orange ball and the nets, and just get the handicapped to fight it out. In wheelchairs. I think it would be easier to shift the damn tickets, for one thing…”

Boris Johnson had already attracted heavy criticism for referring to David Cameron as “Our very own home-grown Stalin” yesterday, and for calling Nick Clegg “A pint-sized Brezhnev”, but today’s comments will undoubtedly alienate campaigners for equality, all those involved with the paralympics, and the parts of Britain capable of reflexive cogitation.

“However,” said Dick Splash, the mayor’s press officer “the rest of the 95% of the country will either find it hilariously idiosyncratic and say ‘oh that Boris’ whilst chortling over the Daily Mail, or will agree with him completely and start setting up wheelchair cagefights. Either way, he is still ensuring a massive landslide victory when he stands for Prime Minister.

“Um, I mean of course when he doesn’t stand for Prime Minister. Obviously we all know he’s not going to. He said so. Many times. And has been careful to distance himself from Cameron, whilst building up huge grassroots support, and cementing his public image and fame. So obviously, nothing could be further from his mind than standing for PM.

“Probably.”

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