Archive for August, 2012

August 30, 2012

“We all know wheelchair jousting would be bloody hilarious” says Mayor of London

by philapilus

A discombobulated mayor; Johnson discovered this morning to his horror that the Paralympic Games were not going to be anything like Robot Wars, and furthermore that he still has to attend.

Boris Johnson has today qualified his remarks about Paralympic basketball, in a statement which has only added to the ire of campaigners for disability awareness.

Johnson had previously said that basketball in wheelchairs was “So much better than the usual, you know, the other – the, oh what’s it called, you know the able-bodied sort. The main thing, or one of the main things, that makes the Paralympics one so good is how violent it all is, lots of bloody good smashing of metal on flesh, and cracking of bones. Good solid stuff. More like rugger. But with robots.”

But after receiving heavy criticism, the Mayor today attempted to play down the earlier comment, saying “Look here, the whole thing, um, the key thing, or one of the things that the Paralympics does is that – well, all these chaps are so brave, not just chaps, obviously not just chaps, but the, you know, the ladies as well. They are all terribly brave.

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August 28, 2012

G4S “absolutely delighted” with massive losses

by philapilus
English: Chelsea pensioners

The company boasts that its staff have collectively accumulated centuries of experience in the security business. Unfortunately there are only about ten of them though.

G4S, the company that failed to deliver enough security guards for the 2012 Olympic games, has proudly confirmed that it has made a loss of £50m over the contract, as well as having £700m wiped off the price of its shares.

In a statement today, Chief Executive Dick Fuckles said “Our accountant came in to the board meeting looking all mopey, so we thought it was going to be bad news. But then he said ‘I have to inform you all that the company is fifty million pounds in debit over this’. Well, fifty million! And everyone said we would do badly! Since when has making fifty million pounds been a bad thing? That’s more then twenty million pounds and nine million pounds added together! That’s loads of money!”

Fuckles went on “He kept saying ‘No, no, fifty million in the red, in the red which I can only assume means something to do with the colour of the banknotes. I’m going to use my bit of the fifty million to buy another new car, I think.”

Neil Smarm, a PR consultant retained by the company, said “Ok, let’s face it; G4S aren’t too good at the maths. Or the security provision. Yes, all right, so they didn’t get enough recruits for the Olympics, and yes they don’t understand figures or budgets or timescales, but hey; they’re really nice guys!”

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August 24, 2012

Richard III is Leicester Police’s oldest ‘cold case’

by philapilus
Yorkist king Richard III grew up at Middleham....

In full bling and Plantagenet gang colours

The location of the remains of King Richard III has confounded police for centuries, but a special liasion with a University of Leicester archaeological team may finally  solve the mystery.

Researchers from the university believe they have deduced the very spot where the King was buried, and hope to use ground penetrating radar to prove that the Tudors “Did Dick Plantagenet up good and proper, and then chucked his body into setting concrete in a nearby carpark”.

Richard and Henry had always had a bitter rivalry, and according to contemporary sources, the Tudors burst into the Bosworth pub, where Richard was having a pint in August 1485, looking for a fight.

Richard, who was at the bar getting a round in, broke the end off a bottle and said “Come on then, come and ‘ave a go if you fink yer ‘ard enough!” before attempting to glass Henry in the face.

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August 23, 2012

Prince’s arse unveiled as new stamp

by philapilus
English: Prince Harry at a 2009 charity match ...

This picture shows Harry’s hairy arse superimposed on top of a polo shirt, to make it funny to Daily Mail readers.

The unending diarrhoeic stream of shit written about the posh idiot who was photographed with his clothes off*, has given rise to a media feeding frenzy, which hacks and Royal Correspondents alike are calling “A Perfect Arse-storm”.

The third in line to the British throne (you know, the one not genetically related to Charles in any way) caused controversy – again – when pictures of him cavorting without his clothes on in LA surfaced earlier this week.

And then, within about five minutes, were seen by everyone in the world.

The Royal Family icily confirmed that the pictures were indeed of the prince, and called upon the British press to respect their privacy and not to publish the images.

The entire media industry responded by laughing themselves so silly they pissed in their pants, and then sent back a joint memo saying “That was a cracker! Tell it again?”

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August 22, 2012


by philapilus

Some of your thoughtful responses to yesterday’s article about George Galloway’s interpretation of rape:

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August 21, 2012

“Rape, schmape” say experts

by philapilus
George Galloway

“No-one can complain if you just stick a finger in”

George Galloway has boldly entered the fray of the complex and nuanced debate over when forcibly sticking your cock inside someone else constitutes rape.

Galloway, proud winner of this year’s Oleaginous Little Prick Award, addressed the thorny issue of non-consensual sex on his weekly online broadcast ‘Goodnight with George Galloway’ – a programme which has higher viewer ratings than Morecambe and Wise at the height of their fame.

Galloway claimed that ramming the old todger inside someone who was asleep and couldn’t argue  was pretty much absolutely fine if they had already invited you to bed, and that “not everyone needs to be asked prior to each insertion”.

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August 20, 2012

Mob-enforced arrest of child in Pakistan entirely justified, says everyone

by philapilus
8-year-old boy with Down Syndrome

You can tell they are evil little heathens from their fucked-up faces. It’s just God’s way of telling you not to trust them.

Pakistani police confirmed that they have arrested an eleven-year old mentally disabled Christian child for desecrating the Koran, after pressure from an angry crowd threatening to burn down Christian homes.

The girl, believed to have Down’s syndrome, was carrying a waste bag with pages from the Koran in it, and reportedly did not understand police questions.

“But this is no excuse,” said Rights for Everyone is Wrong activist, Dick Splash, “this girl, had she been more mentally cognisant, and not one of those funny little mongs, would almost certainly have realised that what she was doing was committing the heinous and terrible crime of blasphemy, and for that she must pay.”

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August 20, 2012

MOD reveals exciting design for its next doomed-to-fail project

by philapilus
English: 'Ormurin Langi' a Faroese rowing boat...

“Inevitably the current design will be scaled back, but if we save really, really hard there is no reason why we couldn’t get one of these by 2030. 2040 at the latest. Give or take five years.”

The Ministry of Defence has released infomation and pictures of a fabulous very exciting new ship-design, which it will spend hundreds of millions of pounds developing before eventually having to scrap.

According to the highly technical press release, the Type 26 Global Combat ship has “All like really exciting curves and stuff that make it really stealthy, and it’s got silos for all these missiles, which will come shooting out and blow everything up, and it has a really cool gun on the front – bang! BANG! It is seriously fricking awesome.”

The MOD outlines a plan for thirteen ships to begin coming into service after 2020, a plan which it predicts – after the initial enthusiasm – will be pushed back a few years, then a few more years, then the numbers will be scaled down, and eventually a single prototype warship will be made in around twenty years time.

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August 16, 2012

“Oiks still getting into university” says Willetts

by philapilus
English: David Willetts speaking at the Big So...

David ‘two-brains’ Willetts will not be spending an eternity paying off debt for the degrees that either of his brains studied. Isn’t that nice?

Universities Minister David Willetts has today hit back at critics of increased tuition fees, accusing them of “Egalitarianism and class prejudice.”

As A-level results come out today, thousands of students across the country face the exhilirating prospect of comparing their bleak, shelf-stacking options, with the further education they would have been going into several years ago.

Willetts, a millionaire who studied at Oxford without paying tuition fees costing his bodyweight in gold, responded angrily to claims that his government was forcing less wealthy students to forgo education, saying “My research has convinced me that the number of people applying for university places has fallen for reasons entirely unconnected to the sphincter-splitting rise in fees.”

Interviewed on Radio 4 this morning, Willetts said “The problem is that there simply aren’t enough eighteen year-olds to go round. There are a lot less of them than there used to be, and that is reducing the numbers of people applying to spend the next forty years paying off large debts.”

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August 15, 2012

Entire country to be under FirstGroup jackboot by 2020

by articulatedsheep

FirstGroup has announced that it is “satisfied” with the progress of Operation Domination, its widely-publicised long term plan that will see it controlling every single aspect of the lives of everyone living in Britain by the end of the decade.

If you’re feeling edgy you can call them “WorstGroup” because it’s like a pun and they aren’t very good.

“We’re pleased that the combination of a fresh and exciting brand, and an unflinching ability to inflict pain and misery on Britain’s travelling public, have proved such a potent mix in being able to – inexplicably – gain yet another large rail franchise” said the company’s managing director, who cannot be named for legal reasons.

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