Bottom-feeding Brits “can’t do sport for shit”, say morons

by articulatedsheep

According to a report released today by Britain’s morons, Great Britain’s failure to win 8,000 gold medals by the end of day three of the Olympic Games is a “colossal failure” that can only be partially remedied by the so-called athletes involved being put to death.

Don’t know what you’re looking so happy about, you only came twelfth

Britain currently languishes in 20th place in the medals table, clearly demonstrating that all the British people who have been spending their entire lives to constantly train enough to even compete at this echelon of international elite sport have basically been wasting their time.

“Tom Daley? Shit Daley, more like”, said Roger Twat, who speaks with the authority of a man awarded a 25 metre swimming badge in 1976. “Call that diving? He ought to be ashamed of himself.”

“I thought we’d been pouring money into the Olympic team so that we’d win loads of golds,” said Helen Wank, a HR assistant who once competed in, but failed to finish, the Race for Life. “Here we are though, day three, and what have we got? A silver and two bronzes. Pathetic. This whole Olympic thing has been a massive, massive disaster.”

“Some of those losers even looked happy. I mean, did you see those gymnastic gimps mugging it up when they only got a bronze? Incredible.”

A baying mob was formed last night to attack the home of Rebecca Adlington, who is, dismally, only the third best female swimmer in the entire world over the 400m distance, to teach her a lesson about being so shit and that if she wants to win anything in this life, she should lay off some of the pies and get that big nose of hers sorted out.

Other commentators have speculated that Britain’s failure to bring in a large quantity of gold medals – for which the collective noun is a “haul” – could be due to the fact that other competitors are also very good at the sports in which British athletes are participating, and that sometimes this means that those other competitors might win.

It has also been suggested that Britain’s medal tally could improve when finals for the sitting-down sports involving expensive equipment, and/or horses, at which Britain usually performs well, are held.

“The fact of the matter is,” said Doug Fingermouse, Emeritus Professor of Handstands at Loughborough University, “just working through national qualification rounds and other international championships enough to compete at Olympic level, and then being sufficiently good to win through a range of Olympic heats against a number of titans of sport at the very peak of physical fitness and mental ability, to reach of final where you come fifth, is simply not good enough.”

“A lot of people think that we should emulate the approach that China has taken towards elite sport. I think that there is a lot to be said for establishing a ruthless gerontocracy which crushes dissent, and which demands and commands fear and respect from the barrel of a gun. Although we’d live in a vicious dictatorship where the rule of law is essentially meaningless, we’d probably have at least eight gold medals by now, which is what’s really important.”

 

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