Archive for July 26th, 2012

July 26, 2012

Telegraph picture editors on hunt for “perfect” female A-level result celebration photograph

by articulatedsheep

Hacks at the Daily Telegraph have begun their annual search for a large photograph of attractive eighteen year-old private school girls to plaster over the front cover of their 17 August edition, ostensibly to illustrate a story about A-level results.

Absolutely not what we are looking for

 

Work started in earnest last week, with all leave being cancelled and photographers being urged to work “around the clock” to identify high quality, nubile young women for their readership to unashamedly lech over. Letters have gone out to girls’ schools across the country, asking headmasters to send photographs to a specially convened “judging panel” – to include Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, Jim Davidson, Michael Aspel and actor Tom Conti – of possible candidates.

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July 26, 2012

Answer to gun violence “more guns”, according to Americans

by articulatedsheep

A consensus on gun control is emerging in the US in the aftermath of a shooting in a suburb of Denver in which a dozen people died. It is now generally thought that the principal way to combat gun violence is to ensure that more people have more, and more powerful, guns.

“It’s a logical solution,” said President Barack Obama. “The more people who have guns, the more people will be able to fight back when some madman decides to empty his magazine randomly inside a packed movie theatre.”

“Let’s face it, if everyone in that cinema had had a gun, there wouldn’t just have been one person firing indiscriminately in a darkened room – there would have been 200 people doing it.”

“Obviously that makes much more sense.”

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July 26, 2012

“You are all cunts”: Romney

by articulatedsheep

US Presidential hopeful has continued his bid for the White House with a whistle-stop visit to the UK in the runup to the Olympic Games, which he has so far used to hurl insults at Britain and the British.

“Thank you, but I already have enough microphones of my own”

 

“You folks have this quaint phrase,” he told assembled reporters, “something about not being able to organise a piss-up in a brewery. Well, I look at these Olympics that you’re organising, and I think to myself – not so much a piss-up, more of a fuck-up.”

“You’re a bunch of fucking losers, basically.”

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July 26, 2012

Sebastian Coe’s evil plan begins to unfold

by philapilus
English: 14 kiloton atomic explosion, from a 1...

Coe and Opening Ceremony organiser Danny Boyle have promised the London 2012 Olympics will “go off with a bang…”

Rumours abound this morning that yesterday’s supposedly accidental slight to the North Korean women’s football team, was actually an act of outright provocation.

North Korean players’ profiles were shown on video screens next to the South Korean flag, which led to a walk-off by the players, and a delay in the match by an hour. The Olympic organisers issued an apology to the North Koreans, and insisted it was an honest mistake.

But Mike Ock of BBC Sport said “I have been speaking to the technicians involved in producing the video display. What has begun to emerge is a very disturbing picture of intentional offence.

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