“I had a nightmare, a terrible nightmare!”

by philapilus
DSC_6364 Sebastian Coe on big screen

The stuff of our worst nightmares

Britain woke up this morning from a terrible dream, walked to the bathoom where her lover Bobby Ewing was having a morning shower, and burst into tears, saying; “Oh it was awful! I had this terrible dream, that seemed to last for years and years and years!

“When I woke up I thought for a godawful minute that we had been stupid enough to host the 2012 Olympics here in London! I dreamt that in 2005 we won the Olympic bid, and that we spent seven years of gruelling misery getting ready for it.

“It seemed so real!”

Bobby held the UK tightly in his arms and said “It’s ok, it’s ok. What happened?”

“Transport was utterly fucked, airports, roads, trains – everything,” sobbed Britain, “And that fucking bastard Sebastian Coe was everywhere! Everywhere! He was on the news all the time! Preening around and talking about how great he was.

“And I dreamed that this was the final week of preparations, and that there was going to be a truly terrible and embarrassingly mundane opening ceremony this Friday, organised by Danny Boyle, who hasn’t made any decent work since Sunshine.

“There were going to be cows and pigs everywhere. And people with wheelbarrows. It was going to be some shitty little parochial microcosm of Britain. Sort of like pulling our pants down for the rest of the world to laugh at our front bottom.”

The devastated UK buried her face in her hands and said “And the logos, and the medals we designed! everything looked so shit!”

” And the mascots! The maaaaaassscooooootts!”  she wailed “You’ve never seen anything worse in your life. Little crappy cyclops figures that a children’s cartoons commissioner would turn down, as too shoddy to appeal to a four year old. The horror, the horror!”

“It’s ok, it’s ok,” breathed Bobby gently, holding Britain to his warm masculine chest. “None of it happened; it was just a dream.”


For younger readers, Dallas was a hit TV show that ran from 1978-1991.
Whenever anyone older than you tells you that TV is utter shit nowadays, and that they don’t make them like they used to, look them right in the eye and say “Dallas”. They will instantly apologise and retract the comment.

%d bloggers like this: