People who don’t try to prolong life dying sooner

by philapilus

Groundbreaking research, published in the Lancet, has suggested that people who don’t spend an inordinate amount of time trying to be healthy and to live longer, tend to be less healthy, and sometimes don’t live as long.

The compelling report, written by researchers from across the world, challenges conventional wisdom, in stating that obese people who do no exercise and sit around eating bucketfuls of cheesy wotsits, are more likely to die of things related to, say, being inactive and overindulging.

Co-author Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Shoe Recycling-Bin School of Lardarses, said “What our report demonstrates, is that a person’s health is related to how healthy they are. And whether or not they live healthily. And whether they try to avoid ill-health.”

But the new research has provoked hostility from some quarters. Casper Gutman, President of the Foundation of Aggravated Tubbiness, tweeted “Just because I can’t physically get out of my bedroom, and don’t know what any of my body looks like beyond the sea of my chins, does that mean these so-called ‘experts’ have the right to tell me I might not live for another hundred years? Who are they to say that the wall of fat completely encasing my heart is in any way endangering me? This is just body-fascism, again.

“So what if I weigh more than some small trucks? Does that make me any less of a person? Well I think it makes me more of a person.”

The report’s acknowledgement that as many people die from inactivity as smoking, has delighted smokers however.

Roger Tar, of the smoking lobby Cigarettes Oughtn’t Undermine General Health, said “Ha” See? Smoking is fine! You are just as likely to die from being a fat-assed layabout as from inhaling death-gas!

“Well, maybe not quite as likely, because while the actual number of deaths are similar, the number of waddlers is considerably larger than the numberof smokers. But I am pretty sure the point still stands. Somehow. The message is ‘It Is Fine To Smoke’. And that’s not me, that’s the Lancet saying that. More or less.”

Dr Sue Quacks, of the British Medical Association, said “To be honest it’s pretty bad news whether you smoke or overeat or sit around doing bugger-all. But somehow people can’t grasp the notion that evolution designed us to try and take at least minimal care of ourselves, to move about every so often, and to try and eat edible food occasionally, rather than a steady diet of McDonalds.

“It would bother me, and might ordinarily make me want to save humanity from this terrible pandemic. But while i was doing the research for this, a very fat, very lazy librarian refused to get off her arse and find a book for me because it was only twenty-five minutes till lunchtime, so frankly, fuck them all.”


A picture of a typical Scottish athlete, demonstrating the body-shape that the report urges British and American people to try and slim down to.

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