Joke religion to broadcast bollocks

by unpseudable

The man without whom there would be no Battlefield Earth. Just think about that.

As if existing and having famous members wasn’t enough, the Church of Scientology now plans to launch a TV station.

Scientology spokeswoman, Karen Pouw, said, “The Church (that’s right, I said “Church”) plans to establish a central media hub for our growing world network of churches, and to move into religious television and radio broadcasting in our continued scheme to take over the world.  Err… I mean, spread the important message about Thetans and all that shit.”

Experts suggest that it could be similar to the Christian Broadcasting Network run by Pat Robertson.  Only scarier.  “Imagine really good looking people talking for hours about unremitting bollocks, interspersed with the film Battlefield Earth, then you’ve pretty much got it,” said Rick Ross, cult expert.  “Hollywood’s the obvious place for them to be.  I mean, it is the home of entertainment.  Besides which, there are more blithering idiots per square mile there than anywhere else in the world.  But of course, by broadcasting such irredeemable balls they can reach all the other blithering idiots everywhere.  It’s terrifying.

Not everyone responded with sane horror at the prospect.  Famous Scientologist, and definitely very heterosexual actor, John Travolta said, “This is great news!  I mean, really terrific.  I might still be able to get work.”

Dr Harold Faltermeyer, Professor of Interesting Stories Which May Be Used As A Way To Explore The Possibility Of Meaning But Probably Best Not Take It Too Seriously, at the University of East Anglesey, said, “Obviously it’s fashionable to have a go at idiots who believe things, but there are subtle differences between cults and religions worth considering.  Cults suck in vulnerable and gullible people by pasting grinning faces of Cruise and Travolta everywhere, they take their money, cut them off from their families and imprison them on boats under billion-year contracts.  Does the Church of England do that?  No.  They don’t do that.  They do fêtes and carol services and institutional sexism.  That’s the difference between a cult and a religion.  Well, one of the differences, anyway.

“Erm, my lawyers have just handed me a note, reminding me that of course, Scientology obviously does none of those things I’ve just described.  Honestly, definitely, none of them at all.  But the Church of England does.  They are just awful.  And have rubbish lawyers.”

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